The Gundam Universe Project: Mobile Suit Gundam
by Gundam Universe Project
Summary: The first entry in an attempt to parody almost every Gundam anime ever produced. Done episode by episode. New chapters begin Feb 3rd!
1. Episode 1: Gotta Start Somewhere

Welcome to the first installment of the Gundam Universe Project, an attempt by a small group of friends to parody just about every Gundam anime produced so far, episode by episode. We hope you will heartily enjoy reading this, because we certainly had a lot of fun writing this. Over the next few years we will go through almost every Gundam show, with new chapters showing up every four days. That is, unless our project lead collapses from sheer exhaustion. But we've got plenty of smelling salts on hand, so that shouldn't be an issue.

We will start by asking you all to please stay with us on this story. The first few episodes, especially the first, will not be exceedingly funny. There just isn't a huge amount of stuff to make fun of. But we assure you, once we get to episodes 4 and 5, it will get a lot funnier, and it'll only go up from there.

After booting up your discs or video files, depending on which version you got you will be treated to either of the Cartoon Network opening that they created for the show, or the original opening. We have to say with complete honesty that the original opening is the strangest thing we have ever seen in our collective lives of watching anime. Seriously, the music stops several times and then just keeps going. It also features the moon, to which the White Base never visits. If you instead see the Cartoon Network opener, which is actually pretty cool, then be thankful that you didn't have to see the original. However, the original opening does help us understand why this series was cancelled in Japan during its original run.

But that's enough about that, for now anyway.

It is the year 0079 of the Universal Century, which says something about the creator's expectations for the series, given that he's given himself both a century and a millennium number slot to use.

50 Years have passed since humanity began moving into space, living in gigantic orbiting space colonies, because in this science fiction story, no 'magic' super technology was invented/discovered/given as a gift to mankind to allow them to travel to new solar systems.

Obviously, this is a new home for mankind, where people are born, raised, put through elementary school, then secondary school and puberty, then into college, then into… okay, I'm done extending that.

Anyway, nine months ago the cluster of space colonies furthest from the Earth called Side 3 proclaimed itself to be the Principality of Zeon and launched a war of independence against the Earth Federation, who were apparently oppressing them in some way that is never explained. (If you look closely in this sequence, you can spot a rare green Salamis)

In a complete contradiction to what was said earlier, it has been eight months since the rebellion began, and the forces were at a stalemate.

And thus we begin Episode 1: Yep, This is Such a Superb Concept That It Will Never Be Emulated, Copied, or Continued. Ever.

We see a scrolling view of Earth, then an asteroid that looks suspiciously like Luna 2, and then the head of some green mobile suit. If you can't identify that as a Zaku, then you should check, just to make sure you dressed yourself properly. Or you've never watched the Gundam show before, in which case you really have little business reading this. I mean, we're all glad you've added to our traffic counts, but this isn't going to make much sense to you. So go out, buy or download Mobile Suit Gundam (sometimes additionally labeled as 0079), watch it, revel in its supreme glory, and then come back and read this.

Oh, and while you're out doing that, could you make us some toast? Seriously, we're hungry.

While we were going over that, the Zakus landed on the outside of the space colony. Sorry if you wanted to read about that, but the moment's gone now. They open a few badly animated panels and enter the colony.

"Slender, stay here." One of the Zaku pilots says.

"But why?" Slender asked in a whiny voice.

"Because in the totally unlikely, almost impossible event that both of us should die, someone has to go back to the ship and tell the Commander about it."

"But what if he's not back from the pizza place yet?"

"Then you'll just have to wait for him." The as of yet unnamed Zaku pilot said. "Oh, and if you get back to the ship before we do, because we're totally not going to die, make sure nobody touches my double pepperoni thin crust deluxe."

"On it boss, I'll make sure nobody touches your pizza."

"Good work Slender." And with that, the two Zakus proceeded further into the colony, where they crash landed into a bunch of trees.

One of the pilots opened the cockpit of his Zaku and started looking around with a pair of binoculars.

"Gene, what the heck are you doing?" The first pilot, Chief Denim asked. "We have massive computer-helmets on our mobile suits."

"I'm looking around!" Gene said indignantly. "Wow, this place looks pretty deserted. But… hey look over there, it's a person!"

That person, clad in a forest green jacket-skirt… thing, went into a house.

"Amuro?" she called out. She shut the door behind her, calling out "Amuro?" again.

She checked under a cloth to find a fully prepared breakfast that was untouched. "What, he hasn't even eaten breakfast? Amuro!"

The girl went up the stairs, and an annoying green thing called a Haro goes up the stairs too.

The girl opened the door at the top of the stairs and found who we know to be Amuro playing with a microscope. "I should have known you'd be cooped up in here."

Amuro ignored her completely, but the girl continued to rummage through his room.

"You've got to eat Amuro, you should take better care of your health. Amuro!"

Amuro continued to ignore the girl, instead conversing with the annoying green robot.

"You've got to hurry and get dressed Amuro. Amuro!" The girl continued.

"Alright we get it Frau!" Amuro finally yelled at her. "My name is Amuro! I get it, you get it, Bandai gets it, the audience gets it, everybody gets it! You didn't have to say my name seven times in your first thirty seconds on the show!" I think the funny part of that is that it isn't even a joke.

"I was just… nevermind." Frau said, all pep gone from her voice. But then she remembered why she had gone to Amuro's house and perked up again.

"Don't you know about the evacuation order?" Frau asked.

"Obviously not, because I'm still in my house, and in my pajamas."

"It was an emergency military broadcast!" Frau said. "A warship is docking today and we have to evacuate."

"But why?" Amuro asked. "I'm kind of in the middle of something here."

"I don't know. If I did, and I told you, then there would be no big reveal to the audience. The shock value would be all gone!"

"Alright, I'll get dressed." Amuro said grumpily. Frau went outside, approaching a car parked on the street.

"Hayato?" Frau called, not seeing Hayato. "Hayato?"

Then she looked down, at the midget who barely came up to her waist. "Oh, there you are Hayato."

"Yeah, okay, I don't have a lot of time to talk, and the only purpose of my being here is to tell the audience that Amuro's father works at the military base over there, so… yeah." Hayato drove off, leaving his mother behind and Frau alone.

"How come nobody likes me?" Frau muttered to herself. Just then Amuro drove out into the street, with a sandwich in one hand and a drink in the other. Haro was driving the car.

"Amuro, you're a hopeless case."

"Well, it's the first episode Frau, what did you expect?"

Elsewhere, people were panicking at the military base.

"What is White Base doing? They're leading a Zeon ship right to us!"

"No sir, it's the same one as before."

"The one that asked about the pizza place?"

"Yes, that one."

"Well, did you give them an address?"

"Yes, I told them to go hit up Gino's on Luna II, but I don't think they bought it and they're coming back."

"Well, it doesn't really matter. With the strength of White Base, we'll crush the Zeon easily."

As we have our first look at the White Base, two officers were looking on.

"How did it get the name 'White Base' sir?"

"It was a name contest. The choices were: Albion, Trojan Horse, Falmel, The Legged Ship, Pegasus, and White Base."

"And 'White Base' won?"

"Yes, although there were only six votes, two of them by Zeon officers. It wasn't a very popular contest."

On the White Base, a Federation officer opened a door.

"Lieutenant Ray, we've docked with Side 7, please report to the bridge."

"Thank you, I'll be right there." Lieutenant Ray said. "How long have you been in the Military Mr… Bright?"

"Six months sir."

"And you're about 19 years old?"

"Yes sir."

"Okay then, you are clearly lying. Your voice sounds like you're much older than that."

"People always tell me I have a mentor-like voice sir."

"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, once we can mass produce the Big Za… I mean the Gundam, the Zeons will be finished." Lieutenant Ray said, and then went to the bridge.

"So, we weren't able to outrun that Zeon ship that was chasing us?" Lieutenant Ray asked.

"No, we outran them very easily. However there is another Zeon ship that is following us now, and it's been clogging the communication channels asking about a pizza place or something." The Captain responded.

A bit away from the colony was an asteroid. Behind the asteroid was a strange looking green ship called a Musai. On it was a man in a red uniform and a helmet with a mask. In his hand is a slice of pizza.

This man is Char Aznable.

"Looks like I'm not destined to get a break these days am I?" Char asked rhetorically. "Who would have thought I'd ever find something like this in my entire career? And on my way back from lunch, no less!"

"It surprises me as well, Commander." Char's first officer, Dren said. "But could there really be a base for the Federation's 'V' project here?"

"As easily as they could have lied to me about not having a pizza place." Char responded. "I mean, not one pizza place on the entire colony? Come on! The sheer odds of that are… impossible!"

"I know, but it appears to be true." Dren said. "I just hope they haven't built mobile suits that are as good as our Zakus."

"Huh?" Char turned to Dren, having no idea what he was talking about.

"The 'V' project, Commander."

"Oh, that's what you were talking about." Char said. "I was still talking about the pizza place."

"I know sir, and we're all devastated, but we need to stay focused."

"Right." Char said. "Do we have to signal from Denim and Gene?"

"Yes sir." Dren said. "It's being broadcast as a Code CC2."

There was dead silence on the bridge.

"Well, what does that mean?" Char asked.

"I have no clue."

"Well then get out the field manual and find out Dren! You have to be my go-to guy here!"

Back inside the colony, Denim and Gene were continuing their reconnaissance.

"All three of the machines they've rolled out of the factories are mobile suits. There could be more in there." Denim said.

"I've found it!" Gene said excitedly.

"What did you find Gene?"

"The hidden pizza place. It's _inside_ their base!" Gene said, and then went to get into the cockpit of his mobile suit.

"Gene, what are you doing?"

"I'm hungry, and if I go now, I can destroy the Federation's mobile suits and get myself some lunch. I'll be a legend, just like Commander Char!"

Gene moved up to attack, firing on a stationary truck and destroying it.

"Boom, headshot!" Gene exclaimed, then shot another stationary truck.

"Boom, headshot!" He echoed.

Inside the shelters, things began to shake and people began to panic.

"Oh no, it's a Zeon attack."

"Uh-oh." Amuro said, looking at a strange sign looking like a boot stepping on a squirrel. "This shelter isn't Zaku-proof! We've got to get out of here."

"What should we do?"

"We should get over to the space ship that just docked here today!" Amuro said. "Everyone should stay here for now; I'll go find a safe route."

Amuro left the shelter and went to go find his car. He got in it and then saw a car with a few Federation officers go by.

"Hey!" Amuro called. "Do you know where I could find Lieutenant Tem Ray?"

"He's probably over by the dock." One of the officers responded. Just then, a missile flew past the Zaku and towards the two Federation officers. The missile missed, but the officers drove into a telephone pole and exploded. Amuro took cover behind his own car, but even there he was not safe from the shrapnel, as a large book hit him in the head.

For reasons Amuro would never understand, he picked up the book and dusted it off.

"_Mobile Suit Gundam_, by Yoshiyuki Tomino?" Amuro said aloud. "I wonder what kind of book this is."

Amuro flipped through a few of the first pages. _'The girl opened the door at the top of the stairs and found who we know to be Amuro playing with a microscope. "I should have known you'd be cooped up in here."'_

"Wait a minute, that happened to me this morning! I'm Amuro!" Amuro said. "Does this book… tell some kind of story that we're just starting? Can it… tell me the future?"

And we go to commercial break. It's a pretty sad commercial break, so we won't talk about it that much.

When we come back, Char and Dren are talking to Slender.

"So what about Chief Denim?" Dren asked. Char was eating a new slice of pizza.

"He moved up to support Gene in his attack. Also, he told me to tell you to make sure that nobody touched his pizza."

"What kind of pizza did he want?"

"Double pepperoni thin crust deluxe." Char abruptly spit out the pizza in his mouth and hid his hand behind his back.

"Yeah, we remembered." Char said quickly. "Nobody's touched his pizza."

"He'll be happy to hear that." Slender said. "So what are my orders sir?"

"Just stay there and take lots of pictures of me, and the Federation's mobile suits. Or, you could take pictures of that asteroid thing and we'll just say that's their secret weapon."

"Your face or the asteroid?"

Char thought for a moment. "Your call."

"But what about me?"

"I'm not going to lie to you Slender, you don't matter as much as the pictures. But I don't think Admiral Dozle has ever seen that asteroid before, so we should be able to keep him fooled." Char cut the transmission.

"What are we going to do sir?" Dren asked.

"I don't know, but I have a feeling that Denim's not going to be around to eat his pizza."

Back inside the colony, everybody was running for their lives. All except Amuro, who was flipping through the book which apparently chronicled their entire adventure.

"Let's see." Amuro observed. "That missile is going to miss the Zaku, and then the Zaku will fire and kill a bunch of people, then Frau is going to look worriedly at me… wow, this thing is amazingly accurate!"

"Amuro, what are you doing?" Frau asked him worriedly.

"I'm…" Amuro thought about it, and decided it probably wasn't a good idea to tell people about the book he now possessed, and so he hid the book cover. "I was… commenting on the accuracy of the Zaku's machine gun. It's incredible!"

Amuro looked to the side and saw his dad standing next to what could be the Gundam. "Frau, get to the spaceport. Go… that way."

"But the Zaku's over there!"

"Trust me, you'll be fine!" Amuro ran towards his dad. "Dad, is that the Gundam?"

Amuro's father turned to him. "How did you know that?" He said. "Never mind, you need to get to the White Base!"

"Dad, we need to get the evacuees onto the ship!"

"No, I'm on my lunch break. You can do that if you want, but these chicken sticks aren't getting any hotter."

An explosion ripped into the ground near Amuro, covering him with scattered rocks. Amuro got up and quickly checked the book to see if it had been damaged.

Off to the side, Frau had also noticed Amuro's near death experience, and ran off the street to check on him. "Amuro, are you okay…" Frau was cut off by a massive explosion behind her that threw her forward.

More rocks flew toward Amuro, and he walked backwards towards Frau to shield the book from damage. "Frau, are you okay?"

Seeing that his friend was still alive, Amuro continued checking on the book. Frau looked around and discovered the large crater behind her, where some of the evacuating civilians had been killed.

"Mother?" Frau asked, seeing her mother's body on the ground. "Mother!" She screamed and ran over to her, shaking her body furiously, as if to wake her up.

"This can't be happening." Frau cried into her mother's jacket. "You can't have just…"

"Oh thank god!" Amuro exclaimed. "Everything is all right, no damage at all!" Amuro held up the book to prove that it was fine.

Then he actually looked around, and saw the horrific scene of death and sorrow Frau was immersed in.

"Oh." Amuro remarked. "That could have gone better."

Amuro strode over to the still sobbing Frau. "Frau, you need to get to the spaceport." He got no response, just more crying.

Amuro flipped through the book. "So I should slap her?" He asked aloud. "Well, it works in the book so…" Amuro slapped Frau, snapping her back to reality.

"You need to run to the spaceport Frau! Get on the ship that's there, okay. I promise I'll be along soon." Frau got up and started off to the spaceport.

Amuro turned around and ran back towards the Gundam. "Now all I need to do is figure out how to work that mobile suit." Once there, he climbed into the cockpit.

"Alright, so I push these buttons to turn it on…" Amuro started to power the Gundam up, but one of the Zakus noticed him.

"Oh crap!" Amuro said. "The book says that I fire the machine guns at him, but it doesn't actually tell me how to do that!" Lacking any instructions, Amuro started pushing buttons until he discovered which one would fire the machine guns.

Gene frantically dodged when he saw the Gundam fire at him with its machine guns.

"Ahhhhh!" Gene screamed. "Chief Denim, the enemy mobile suit started to move and fire back! What should we do?"

"Oh, so now you want to listen to me?" Denim mocked. "Now it's _my_ job to come up with the plan!"

"Oh wait, it's not even standing up yet." Gene said, having regained a small part of his confidence. "I'll get it." Gene fired his machine gun and hit the Gundam perfectly. Unfortunately for Gene, the Gundam's special Plotanium Armor made it impervious to bullets.

"Ahhhhh!" Gene screamed again. "Chief Denim, my machine gun didn't do any damage! What should we do?"

Amuro finally figured out how to make the Gundam stand up, as Gene continued to fire his useless machine gun.

"Gene!" Chief Denim said. "We clearly cannot damage it. Let's run away!"

"But sir, if we run now… Oh no! It stood up! Wait, maybe we can damage it now!" Gene turned to get Denim's approval, but Denim had begun executing his own strategy, and was already over the next hill.

Amuro located the targeting computer and locked on to the Zaku before continuing to fire his machine guns.

"Sir, look over there," said the officer with Amuro's dad. "One of our mobile suits is fighting back!"

"Dammit!" Tem Ray said. "It was turned on? We didn't even have to go get this stupid truck to drive it to the White Base!"

"I thought you weren't going to do that anyway!"

Amuro ran out of ammunition for his machine guns, and just like that, Gene found his confidence again. He ran at the Gundam to continue fighting it and aimed his machine gun right at the Gundam's cockpit.

"_Amuro caught the Zaku's machine gun and pulled it from its hands._" Amuro read aloud. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."

Amuro crushed the Zaku's machine gun with the Gundam's hand and threw it away. Then, with his other hand, Amuro ripped off the breathing mask-like thing on the Zaku's head. Gene screamed in terror as his mobile suit fell to the ground.

"_Then Amuro draws his beam saber._" Amuro read. "Well that's great, how do I do that?"

"Gene, how about you try my earlier idea of 'run like hell?'" Denim asked.

"That… actually sounds pretty good."

Slender tried to boost away from the combat zone but Amuro, having figured out how to draw his beam saber, jumped at him. He sliced Gene's Zaku, and Gene himself cleanly in two pieces, which then exploded. The explosion blew a hole in the side of Side 7, which began to suck everything nearby out of it, including Amuro's father and his chicken sticks, that he didn't even get to eat.

"Oh crap, if that happens again, Side 7 will fall apart!" Amuro said. "So how do I _not_ do that?" Amuro began flipping through the book again.

Denim charged his Zaku at the Gundam. "I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but at least I didn't die first!"

"Oh, I just stab it in the cockpit." Amuro discovered. "That's easy!" Amuro did exactly that, and the Zaku lifelessly fell to the ground.

"Get the civilians onto White Base!" Bright ordered. "Then tell the driver of that truck to begin the transfer. Whoever he is, we're going to need him to move this stuff."

"But sir, wasn't our mission to get the mobile suit?"

"No, are you kidding me? I'm not gonna pass up those portable mattresses! They're tempur-pedic!"

Just then, the ground began to rumble slightly. At the end of the colony, an explosion blew a hole in the outer hull. The view zooms in to reveal Char's Musai, having freshly fired two missiles at Side 7.

"Oops." Char said. "That's what that button does. Someone should really put labels on these things." Char looked around at his bridge, where all of the crew was staring at him. Except Dren.

"So… who wants Denim's pizza?"

The helmsman turned to Char. "Wait, we were getting _pizza_?"

Next time on the Gundam Universe Project!

Episode 2: Slender Dies

Well, there you have it, our first chapter. I hope you all liked it, the few of you who will even ever see this. Before we stop, we'd like to ask you to please, spread the word about this thing, to anyone you might think would be interested. Seriously, we'd do it ourselves, but we're already spending all of our free time writing up these chapters, so a little help would go a long way. Even if you are the only one who ever reads this, or if it is never read at all, we're going to do it anyway, mostly because to the best of our knowledge nothing like this has ever been attempted, or will ever be attempted again. So once again, thanks for reading this first episode in our long journey, and we hope you'll come back every four days ready for more.

And remember, new chapters every four days!


	2. Episode 2: Slender Dies

Well, whaddya know? People actually read it! Since they didn't review, we don't really know if they liked it, but if you're getting this message, you came back, so we hope you did like it! So, onward we go, with the 440th story in FFnet's Gundam UC Archive!

Oh, and for future reference, all new chapters should be uploaded before noon Eastern Standard Time.

Last Time, on the Gundam Universe Project: The show started! Seriously, if you're here, and haven't read the first Chapter/Episode you should go back. It's really good. We Promise.

Episode 2: Slender Dies

A few more missiles flew towards Side 7 as we finally get past the opening theme again. There's someone on a missile launcher thing whining about civilians, but he gets killed before anybody can remember what he says.

I guess he forgot that the Musai carries voice lock-on missiles.

Anyway, the blast blows a hole in another compartment, which begins leaking air.

"Dispense the Bubblicious!" Someone yelled, and another person pulled a lever that said 'Pull for Tasty Flavor.' Then a few gigantic pieces of gum dispensed, and flew towards the hole in the wall, where they promptly sealed it before all of the air leaked out. Good thing too, another couple of seconds and we'd have lost of a few minor characters.

Elsewhere, Frau was helping the children grab on to a hula hoop thing. Then, a random explosion caused shrapnel to fly at them. Amuro saves them in the Gundam.

"Frau, get to the ship quickly!"

"Oh no, it's a mobile suit!" One of the kids exclaimed.

"Amuro, is that you inside that mobile suit?"

"Get out of here, the colony is losing air, which may or may not have been my fault."

The hula hoop thing began to speed away as Frau called back, "Way to answer my question Amuro!"

In yet another random room, the ship's captain is manning a gun turret. Ryu, who somehow fits into the same size spacesuit as everyone else, approached him.

"Captain, you have to get back to the ship!"

"No! If I'm going to die in the first five episodes, I'm going to do it shooting at things, not on some hospital bed like all those lame anime captains!"

"But sir, you're the only one who can launch the ship!"

"But you don't even know how to fire this thing!"

"Well… neither do you!"

The Captain paused for a moment. "Good point. I guess you can take me over to the ship…"

Ryu noticed that the captain was not moving.

"Sir?" He questioned.

"No, I just thought that something was about to happen to me, and I didn't want to miss it."

Disappointedly, the Captain and Ryu walked out of the room to head back towards the ship. As soon as they left it, a missile hit the room and exploded, which would have killed the Captain.

"Oh, come on!" The Captain complained, missing his chance for a heroic death.

"I know sir, we were so lucky. Another second and you would have been killed!"

The Captain just sighed and continued on to the White Base. But as he rounded the next corner, he was struck in the chest with a crossbow bolt.

"Yes!" The Captain yelled, pumping his fist into the air before collapsing to the floor. Ryu ran over to him immediately.

"Hang on Captain, the ship is right over there. But seriously, who shoots a crossbow anymore? And in space?"

"Or at me?" The Captain moaned.

Over on Char's Musai, Char held a triumphant smile on his face.

"Alright Dren, I hit someone with the crossbow, now pay up."

Dren shifted about uncomfortably.

"Come on Dren. Fifty bucks."

"Sir, Slender has returned." A crewman said.

"Alright, send him here. But don't think I'll forget, Dren. Because I won't."

Needless to say, Char had completely forgotten by the time Slender got to the bridge.

"Slender, what happened to your arm?" Char asked.

"Oh, I stepped on a mousetrap on my way up here."

"You should watch yourself Slender; you could have gotten… killed."

"I'll remember to look next time, Sir."

"Commander, the mission." Dren reminded.

"Don't try to distract me, Dren! You know I have a trapezoidal thought process!"

"How you keep it together up there is simply amazing." Dren deadpanned.

"But you're right Dren; I should focus more on the mission and less on trying to catch those invisible rats that only I can see on every other Thursday."

Dren moved over to Slender, so he could whisper in his ear. "The strange thing is, he's still the best we've got."

"Dren, open a secure communication line to Vice-Admiral Dozle."

"But sir, Chief Denim was always in charge of that. None of us know how to work the communications machine." Dren said.

"Well Dren, you're just going to have to go get him." Char thought for a moment. "Wait a minute; he's in the bathroom, isn't he?"

"… Yes, he's in the bathroom." Dren lied. It was just easier that way. "I think he said he had indigestion."

"That's why he shouldn't have eaten that pizza!"

While Char, Dren, and Slender try to figure out how to work the communications machine, Frau was comforting the children.

"Now don't worry, you'll be perfectly safe on this ship okay?" The children nodded their heads in agreement.

"Hey you, down there! Come with me, I assume you can tie bandages right?"

"Sure." She floated up with Sayla. "And no crying!" She yelled back.

"Eeeeeekk!" Sayla screamed as she got to the top of the ladder.

"What's there, I don't see anything." Frau said.

"Invisible rats." Sayla whispered. "Only I can see them every other Wednesday."

"She's pretty strange." Frau said as Sayla left and she entered the medical bay.

"Oh my god what happened?" Frau asked as she saw the Captain.

"Some jackass shot him with a crossbow." Ryu said.

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Of course it doesn't! That's why it happened." Bright walked in.

"Captain, what happened?" Bright asked.

"We've already been over this, he was shot with a crossbow." Ryu said.

"I can see that." Bright said. "I was trying to express moderate concern, not ask for a recap of the painfully obvious."

"Bright, where is everybody?" The Captain asked.

"They're all dead sir."

The Captain hesitated. "Really, I thought it was going to take you longer to say all that, categorizing by duties and ranks."

"Well, I was. But, you know… Time is money."

"Right. So I want you to move all of the Gundam components onto the ship."

"Already done sir. We've got someone who is piloting the Gundam to do it."

"Interesting. And do you know who the pilot is?"

"No, but I sure as hell am not paying him to do it."

"Okay, well that's not really important. After you get everything on the ship, launch the White Base, and get it as far away from Side 7 as you can."

"But who will fly the ship?"

"The computer can fly the ship."

"Sir… I don't really trust the computer. It kept trying to get me to make it a sandwich earlier."

"Umm, I think I can fly the ship." Mirai Yashima said. "It's not the same, but I'm licensed to operate spaceships."

"Oh good. You might be an upgrade then. Our old pilot was barely licensed to operate a toaster oven."

Back on the Musai, Char had a sudden revelation.

"Wait a minute, this isn't the communications machine, it's the coffee maker." Char said. Dren and Slender then underwent a similar realization.

"Oh, all of this hot water and coffee grinds suddenly make a lot more sense." Dren said.

"Yeah, I guess there was really no need to take the whole thing apart like that." Slender agreed.

"Hey, I found the communications machine. It's right over here!" Char said.

"Well, how does it work?"

"There's just one button. Man, I was paying Denim too much to do this job."

Char pushed the lone button on the communications machine, labeled 'TALK,' and contacted Dozle. The impossibly large Half-Giant Dozle Zabi was sitting on a couch, a television remote in one hand and a handful of nachos in the other. On his knee lay the bowl of nachos.

"Can this wait Char; I'm kind of in the middle of something." Dozle said.

"Your soap operas can wait Admiral, this is actually important for once." Char said.

"Alright, but if this is about your ship running low on tacos, I'm getting Conscon."

"Sir, my ship is running dangerously low on its supply of tac… tical weapons. We've almost exhausted our supply of missiles."

"Why is that?"

"It's actually a pretty good story. You see, I was coming back from lunch…" Char trailed off.

"… and then we disassembled the coffee maker, thinking it was the communications machine, and then I found the real communications machine, and now I'm talking to you."

"Char, I have no idea what anything you just said to me means. Or why it's important."

Char sighed. "I found the Federation's 'V' project, Admiral. Oh, and I need three more Zakus."

"What! You lost more Zakus!" Dozle thundered.

"No, they were destroyed this time." Char insisted. "Remember the part with the Federation mobile suit?"

Dozle sighed. "As horrifying as this sounds, I do."

"Well, the Federation's mobile suit destroyed two of them."

"And the other one?"

"Well, there was this jar of peanut butter and… you don't want to know."

"No, I probably don't. Alright, you'll get your Zakus and missiles." Dozle cut the communication.

"Alright, now Dren, get me three recon scouts assembled on the double."

"Yes sir!"

"Oh, and Dren? Make sure to tell them to get space suits that don't have holes in them this time."

While Char infiltrates Side 7 (using his ninja moves), Bright wheeled the Captain up to the bridge.

"Who did you say was piloting the Gundam?" The Captain said.

"Some guy named Amuro." Bright responded.

"Hmm, I've never heard of him. Are you sure he's a guy? Because even I get confused with these anime names sometimes."

"He must be one of the test pilots from Side 7."

"But I thought you said everyone was dead?"

"I may have… over looked a few." Bright said. "Hey, how do I contact the Gundam?"

"You can use the communications machine over there."

"How does it work?"

"There's just one button, you can't screw it up."

"Oh." Bright said, then pushed the single button, labeled 'SPEAK.' Amuro appeared on the screen, reading a book. When he noticed Bright, Amuro quickly hid the book.

"Hold on, you're Amuro?" Bright asked in disbelief.

"What's wrong?"

"It's this 'Amuro' person. It's just a kid, and he's no pilot!"

"Well Bright, if you really are 19 years old like you suggested in the first episode, then that 'kid' is only three or four years younger than you."

"Well sir, that's just what it says on my driver's license." Bright said. "It doesn't mean I told them the truth either."

"Anyway, if the kid managed to fight two Zeon Zakus and destroyed them both without getting himself killed or shot by a crossbow, he probably qualifies to be the best pilot in the entire Earth Federation!"

"Yeah, I'm just… that good." Amuro said, shuffling about to make sure the book was hidden.

Amuro continued loading the Gundam parts onto the ship, just as Frau and Sayla were heading out to look for survivors.

"Sayla, do you really think you should be… driving a car?"

"Why, what's wrong?"

"You had trouble operating the elevator." Frau said.

"So… I'm a little technologically impaired. That doesn't mean I can't turn this wheel back and forth aimlessly." As they were arguing, a scared person tried to run for the elevator, but the door closed on his hand before he could get in.

"Ahhh, my hand!" Kai screamed. Sayla ran over and slapped him.

"How dare you hide and run away when you could have been helping people!"

"Ahhh, my hand… and my face!" Kai continued to scream.

Sayla kneed him in the crotch. "And that's for screaming at me!"

"It huuuurts… sooo bad." Kai said, having lost the will and energy to scream.

"And this… is for making fun of me." Sayla said, then pushed the elevator control, sending the elevator and the screaming Kai away. "Let's go Frau." Frau was too scared to deny her request.

"But I… needed that elevator." Ryu said, even though he knew it wouldn't do him any good.

Meanwhile, Char had decided that a proper distraction was required for his ninja infiltration mission, and so he signaled Dren.

All in one breath, Dren said, "Activate the engines and maintain three percent power then ready and hold mega particle cannons on standby and prepare to target Side 7's spaceport but try to avoid any direct hits on the docking bay." Then he collapsed from oxygen deprivation and was taken to the medical bay for resuscitation, leaving Crewman XYZ 1125 in charge of the ship.

Just as Char had ordered through Dren, but was being carried out by Crewman XYZ 1125, Char's Musai fired its mega particle cannons at side 7, causing a suitable enough distraction for Char and his ninja scouts to sneak in.

"What's attacking us?" The Captain asked.

"It appears to be a Musai cruiser sir, the same one from before. It's approaching very fast."

"Make sure you destroy any remaining Gundam components, and give the Gundam a better weapon. Try to find one that's not… fruity."

"But sir, shouldn't we focus on getting a better pilot before we do that. Maybe… like me?" Bright pointed at himself.

"We don't have any pilots on this ship!" The Captain exclaimed.

"Hey, hurtful!" Mirai said.

"Why do we have to destroy the Gundam components?" Amuro asked. "We could probably load them all in time before anyone comes to get us."

"No, we can't post them on eBay until this whole thing goes public, and we don't want anybody finding out our secrets." Bright said.

"Well, I'd hate to interrupt, but the Musai is moving back." One of the persistently unnamed radar operators said.

"That's weird. Anybody have any ideas?" Bright asked. Mirai raised her hand, but Bright ignored her.

There was a sound like a few pages turning, and then Amuro said, "Hey, why don't we use that napalm thing?"

"That's a good idea Amuro. Use it to destroy the Gundam parts we couldn't load." The Captain said.

"Well, I was going to say, 'Why don't we use the napalm on the Musai?' I mean, they're not exactly fireproof, but whatever." Amuro said.

Back inside the colony, Frau and Sayla were searching for survivors, but in different places. Frau has a moment were she remembers what life on Side 7 used to be like, but it ultimately falls short in this high-tension episode.

Elsewhere, Sayla is also looking for people, but with limited success. This is both due to the lack of living people left to find and Sayla stopping every few seconds to stare at shiny objects. Unfortunately for Char, she saw the light reflecting off his helmet, then noticed he was a Zeon soldier. She got a gun, which was also shiny, out of the glove compartment and went after him.

And then the world exploded, fizzling away into bluish nonsense as the commercial break appeared.

However, fifteen seconds later the world pieced itself back together and we were exactly where we left off, with Sayla chasing after Char. Oddly enough, she found him inspecting the ruins of a taco stand rather than the Gundam components, and saw that she had him trapped.

"Don't move!" Sayla yelled out, pointing her gun as Char bent down to retrieve a neglected taco from the ground.

"Drop it, now!" Sayla demanded.

"But I… I just got this!" Char whined.

"Drop it, or I'll shoot!"

"But, do you know how much cheese is on this!"

"I don't care, drop it!" Sayla yelled. "Then take off the helmet and face the other way."

Grumbling, Char took off his helmet, but noticed that Sayla's eyes were following it, because it was shiny. Seizing the opportunity, Char ran up to Sayla and kicked the gun out of her hand, yelling "Red Comet Kick" as he did.

Or he would have, if he had remembered to run towards her. In the excitement of the rest of the maneuver, Char had forgotten to run at Sayla, and just ended up kicking the air. Sayla hadn't noticed, because she was still occupied with Char's shiny helmet.

Grumbling even more, Char threw the taco at Sayla and ran. The taco exploded when it hit Sayla, getting salsa, ranch dressing, cheese, and meat juices on her face and in her hair.

Sayla was fishing a piece of lettuce out of her hair when she noticed the Gundam coming back with the canisters of napalm.

"Hey Sayla, did you see a Zeon soldier somewhere around here? There's supposed to be a Zeon soldier here." Amuro said.

"There was one here, but he hit me with a taco and ran off."

"He hit you with a _what_?" Amuro asked.

"You heard me! A taco!"

Amuro detonated the super napalm and then got back up to the hanger. But when the hatch opened, Char thought he had found the exit and flew through with his jetpack.

"Mr. Bright, the Zeon soldier just entered the port!"

"Oh crap! Everybody, get rifles from somewhere and shoot that Zeon soldier!"

Char continued to jetpack through the tunnels.

"Haha, I've found the exit… wait a minute." Char exited the tunnel to see the White Base.

"Oh good. Maybe someone on that odd looking ship can tell me where the exit is." Char strode up to the side of the ship.

"Hey guys!" He called out to the crew. "Do you know where the exit is?"

The crew all pulled rifles on him.

"Hey… what'cha doing with those guns?" The crew started to shoot at him.

"Hey hey hey!" Char called out while dodging frantically. "That is _not_ how you're supposed to treat your guests!"

Char flew out and over the ship trying to find an exit. Bright flew up between Char and an exit and threw his helmet at him, which destroyed Char's camera. Then, remembering he brought his Batman tool belt, Char pulled out a smoke bomb and threw it, obscuring the whole area with, you guessed it, smoke. Char vanished in the smoke and Bright was left with a dented helmet.

"Run away! They've got handheld machine guns!" Char called out to the rest of his ninja squad as he took his own advice. The others quickly followed suit.

The main hangar doors opened, and the Gundam flew out to cover the White Base as it left port.

"Okay, so the book says I essentially puss out and can't hit this Zeon guy while he's flying away." Amuro said to himself. "But that's not going to happen; I'll hit him this time!" Amuro locked on and prepared to fire.

Normally, he would have hit Char. But he wasn't trying to hit Char; he was trying to find out if he would kill Char. And by the time he found the page, Char was gone.

"Dammit!" Amuro said, then began firing randomly.

"Don't worry, he can't hit us." Char said.

"What's your confidence level on that sir?" Slender asked.

"Not great." Char replied. "Dren, send us the Zakus." Char ordered the Musai.

"Umm, Dren isn't here right now." One of the crewmembers of Char's Musai said.

"Well, what happened to him?" Char asked. "Did he die? I hope he didn't die, he owes me money."

"Sir, Dren passed out due to loss of oxygen. He's in the medical bay."

Char thought for a moment. "We have a medical bay?"

"Yes sir."

"… Is it any good?"

"Yes sir, very good in fact."

"Well, you're going to have to show me this 'medical bay' when I get back to the ship." Char said. "Ooh, what's your name, by the way?"

"Crown, sir."

"Crown." Char said. "Good, I like it! Okay Crown, you are now my second go-to guy, right after Dren. Whenever Dren is incapacitated, incompetent, or dead, you have to fill in for him. Now send me my Zakus!"

Meanwhile, the White Base was preparing to launch.

"Okay everybody, we're all new at this, so we're probably going to suck in our first fight. But we don't have any time to screw up, because there's a heavily armed Musai out there." Bright said. "Alright, checklist time. Mirai, don't crash. Radar dudes… keep doing whatever you're doing. Frau, make sure we're not leaking air anywhere. Amuro, don't suck and stay close. Did I forget anything?"

"You forgot to make us all feel good." Mirai said.

"What do you mean?"

"You're in charge. It's your job to make sure morale is high!"

"Morale shouldn't be high, we're screwed! High morale can come after we evade the Musai."

Around the bridge, we can see some technicians explaining the ship's weapons and power systems to the new young crew. If you listen well enough, you can hear Kai's voice actor teach Sayla how to work the power and Amuro's voice actor teach Hayato the weapons systems.

"Ryu here, I'm ready to launch in a core fighter!" Ryu said excitedly, wanting both to help and grab himself some more lines in the script.

"Can you… fit inside that cockpit?" Bright asked.

"Not really, but I'll manage. Definitely won't be able to fly this thing on Earth, if we ever get there. With my weight, it probably won't get off the flight deck."

"No Ryu, I want you up here on the bridge. I'm not paying for the insurance."

"Sir, missiles approaching!"

"How many?"

"Just two of them, sir."

"Well, that's kind of a pathetic attack. Shoot them down; we've been hit by enough missiles today."

Amuro promptly shot the missiles down, but that wasn't the end of their troubles.

"Sir, we've got Zakus incoming. But… this is impossible. One of them is approaching us at three times normal speed!" The Captain gasped.

"It's Char, the Red Comet!" The Captain said. "He single handedly destroyed five of our battleships in the Battle of Loum, and he made it look like he _accidentally_ killed them! We've got to get out of here!"

"Don't worry, I can handle it." Amuro said. Then to himself, he added, "I also happen to know exactly where he's going to dodge to, thanks to a little friend of mine."

Amuro watched Char fly straight at him. Amuro knew he was going to dodge to his left, so he aimed and fired that way. Char however did no such thing, and continued towards Amuro. Char fired his machine gun and hit the Gundam in the chest.

"Haha, gotcha!" Char said, satisfied in his victory. But when he looked back, the Gundam was fine. "Hey no fair! How come he gets good armor!"

Amuro continued to shoot at Char. However, Char's strategy of 'Fly in a Straight Line' always got the better of Amuro, who kept expecting Char to dodge.

"Hmm, if that thing was aiming at me, it would probably have hit me by now." Char said. "Hey Slender, get behind him!"

"But Commander, the gun of his could be really powerful; I've never seen anything like it!"

"Exactly, that's why I'm going to distract the mobile suit while you go after the ship." Char said.

"That's… actually a good plan." Slender took off for the White Base as Char continued to 'duel' with Amuro.

"Oh no, it's coming right at us!" Kai screamed, then ran off the bridge, straight into the elevator door.

"Well, shoot it down with the guns on the ship!" Bright ordered.

One of the crewmembers approached Bright nervously. "Sir, we can't load ammo into the guns on the ship."

"Why not?"

"We're out of ammo."

"Wait, how about we launch one of these at the Zaku?" One of the gunners said over the open communications link.

"I'm not sure if it will do anything, but it's worth a shot!" Kai could be heard saying.

"Oh they'd better not." Bright asked, running down to the gun deck. But it was too late; Bright could already see the comfortable mattress sailing through space towards the Zaku.

"You idiots!" Bright yelled, reaching his hand back in preparation for his ultimate move… the terrible Brightslap! When the Brightslap connected with the gunner, he was catapulted off into space, leaving Kai shivering in fear in the corner.

"What's this?" Slender asked, trying to figure out what the object was. But it was too late for Slender, as the mattress hit and covered up his mono-eye. "Oh no, I can't see!"

His scream came moments later, as the now blind Zaku was easily hit by Amuro and destroyed.

"Noooooooooooo!" Bright screamed, torn in his anguish over the loss of his comfortable mattress.

"I don't get it!" Char yelled. "How could a single mobile suit… How could it defeat the Big Za… wait a minute, that's not my line." Char tried to come up with something appropriate for the death of Slender and the destruction of a Zaku, but the moment was already gone. "Dammit, I screwed that one up. Hopefully nobody heard me."

Char quickly evaluated the situation. "Okay, time to run!" And Char did just that, speeding away before anyone noticed he was leaving.

"Okay, time to set a course for Luna II." Bright said. "And get me Amuro." He continued.

Amuro got up to the bridge a few seconds later.

"Amuro, you need to stop relying on the machine's power and use your head next time." Bright ordered.

"Mr. Bright, I wasn't relying on the machine at all!" Amuro insisted. "What else did you want me to do, headbutt him?"

"If it comes to that, yes. Anyway, you're a pilot now, and you need to protect the ship and obey my orders, got that?"

"Fine." Amuro said. "Oh, and you're putting me in charge of the Gundam's maintenance, right?"

"How did you know?"

"… Lucky guess." Amuro said.

Meanwhile, on Char's Musai…

"Oh crap!" Char exclaimed suddenly.

"What sir, is your Zaku damaged? Do we need to repair it?" Crown asked.

"No."

"Then what's wrong?"

"We're out of ice cream."

Next Time, on the Gundam Universe Project!

Episode 3: The Third Episode

Hope you enjoyed! Please review if you feel inclined to do so, and remember that new episodes are every four days!


	3. Episode 3: The Third Episode

Yay, we got feedback! And guess what readers? 100% of people asked say they like the Gundam Universe Project! So thank you Peloponnese, for the kind words of encouragement. We were going to continue with this anyway, even if everybody hated it, so it's nice to know that somebody liked it, and we look forward to feedback from you and others in the future.

Last Time on the Gundam Universe Project: Slender died, and Char had to call for reinforcements to fight the White Base. But with Dren still incapacitated due to exhaustion and the ice cream supplies dwindling, what will he do?

Episode 3: The Third Episode

Luna II.

An asteroid which was drawn away from the asteroid belt after some idiot attached rocket boosters to it in an attempt to create an asteroid space colony in UC 0044. Unfortunately for him, he forgot to equip the rocket base with proper fuel reserves, and was left to drift in space slowly towards Earth. He was found 14 years later by colonists from Side 3, and quickly became a prominent political activist.

That man was Zeon 'Zoom' Deikun.

Now, in UC 0079, Luna II was the site of a large Earth Federation Space Base. Actually, the only Earth Federation Space Base. It was called Luna II because 'Zeon's Awesome Ultimate Rock Starship / Bar and Grill' was deemed to not be an appropriate name for anybody's Space Base, let alone one from the Earth Federation.

And it was to that Space Base that the White Base (no relation) was headed towards.

"Once you get to Luna II, you'll have to contact Commandant Joachim so he can let you in." The Captain said.

"He'll help us?" Bright asked. "I've heard he's… not all there."

"He'll help you as long as you can help him complete his daily crossword puzzle." The Captain said. "He's not very good at them."

"How hard are these crosswords of his?" Sayla asked.

"He reads on a fourth grade level." The captain said.

"How did he get a commander's pay if he can't read?" Bright asked.

"Well, Luna II isn't exactly an important strategic location." The Captain said, assuming that Bright had asked a different question. If you've ever looked at a map of the Earth Sphere, you'll see that Luna II isn't close to anything but Side 7, which only has one colony. Why do you think we still have that base? There's nothing there! The only thing there is the emergency supply of ice cream."

"The emergency supply of ice cream?" Bright asked. "I didn't even know we had one of those."

"Ice cream…" Sayla trailed off, daydreaming.

Meanwhile, Frau and the children were dealing with the civilians on the ship.

"When will we get our food rations for the day?" One civilian asked.

Frau smiled smugly. "We forgot to load the ship with ammunition; do you honestly think we have any food?"

"Well then, when are we going to get to Luna II?"

"Hmm, let me see." Frau thought. "Depending on levels of angst, dialogue, Zeon attacks, and dirty laundry… any time between twelve minutes and five days."

"Five days!"

"What?" Frau asked, confused. "It takes a lot of people to do the laundry on this ship, our batteries are low, and we're so understaffed that everyone has to take turns. And we actually have to turn off the engines to use the washing machines."

"Why?"

"I don't know!" Frau snapped, yelling at the civilians before leaving.

Bright and Sayla got on the elevator to the bridge.

"So Sayla, how exactly did you get on this ship?" Bright asked.

"What do you mean? I was always on the ship."

"No, you weren't." Bright responded. "You were not on the ship when we left… wherever the heck we built it."

"I wasn't?"

"No." Bright repeated. "But as soon as we landed on Side 7, you suddenly appeared."

"Really?" Sayla asked. "I don't really remember any of that. I just know I'm supposed to be on this ship."

Bright was getting suspicious. "And, who told you that you were supposed to be on this ship?"

"A giraffe I met on Side 7." Sayla said. "He called himself Mr. Bandai. He said I had to get on this ship or he'd force feed me blueberry flavored bubblegum for a week." Sayla leaned closer to Bright, to whisper in his ear. "He must have known that I hate blueberrys."

"O-kay then. I'm glad we had that little talk." Bright said, backing away from her. Thankfully, the elevator doors opened just then, admitting Bright and Sayla to the bridge. Sayla approached the driving wheel.

"I'll take over for now." Sayla said. "I just have to watch the altitude and engine output right?"

"Yes, that's it." Mirai said.

"No. Sayla, I am not letting you drive my ship." Bright said.

"But why!"

"Because of what you just told me in the elevator. I think you might have some kind of… disease."

"Aww, don't say mean things like that Bright!" Mirai said. "You'll hurt her feelings!"

"Well, she hurts my ears so… deal with it."

"Okay." Sayla said, then wandered back over to the communications console she normally worked at.

"Operator, where is that Musai?" Bright asked.

"It's still following us sir, although they've taken up an erratic movement pattern. They go in one direction for a few minutes, then change directions and go another way for a few minutes."

"Is there any pattern to it?"

"No."

On the Musai, Char was facing a number of problems.

"Keep zig-zagging!" Char said. "Their radar can only detect us if we move in straight lines!"

"But sir, if we do that aren't we just moving in straight lines anyway, but just in different directions?" Crown said.

"That's a good point Crown." Char said, ignoring what he had said. "Maybe they don't have radar at all."

"Well sir, you seemed very convinced of the…" Crown was cut off by Char.

"It's okay Crown, I know you're sorry. But we can't do anything about this now."

"Sir, we're out of ice cream." A terrified crewman said.

" Oh my… that's not good. Open a comm line to Admiral Dozle."

Dozle was once again lazing about on a couch, not having moved from where he was in the last episode.

"Char what do you want? I'm in the middle of watching 'Days of Our Lives.' You of all people know not to interrupt me during my soaps!" Dozle said irritably.

"I know you're busy sir, but this is very important."

Dozle sighed, then continued in a monotone. "Did you run out of microwavable burritos?"

"No, we ran out of ice cream."

Dozle was so startled that he bolted out of his couch, sending nachos and cheese dip flying everywhere.

"You ran out of ice cream!" Dozle repeated. "Crap, we need to get you more immediately! I'll see if I can call Papua's supply ship back. Don't worry Char; you'll get your ice cream, just sit tight until we can get you it!" Dozle cut the transmission.

"So, sir." Crown said. "What do we do now?"

"We hide until the supply ship gets here. And we don't tell the crew about the ice cream shortage." Char said. "Seriously, there'd be a massive panic driven riot."

"And probably a mutiny." Char continued. "And I'm not going to lie; I'd be the first one to mutiny."

There was a bit of silence after that, only broken after three minutes by Char himself.

"Yes Dren, that's a great idea." Char said. "Engage stealth mode!"

Surprisingly enough, after rummaging about the bridge to try to fulfill Char's order, the crew did discover a button labeled 'Stealth Mode.' Crown gingerly pushed the button, unsure as to whether this would make the ship explode or disappear.

A few seconds passed during which nothing happened. Then all of the lights on the Musai turned off and the engines powered down.

During the following commotion on the bridge, no one noticed that Dren had never been there.

"Where's Amuro?" Frau asked, the scene now having shifted back to the hangar bay of the White Base.

"I think he's up there in the Gundam cockpit." Ryu said, as he tried on a massive belt.

"Well, is he busy?"

"I don't think so." Ryu said, then threw the belt away from him. "Too small!" he yelled.

Frau floated towards the Gundam cockpit, beginning to hear voices as she neared it.

"Okay, so Char is only getting two Zakus on the supply ship, not the three he wanted." Amuro said, recapping what he had just read in the book.

"Wait, how do you know how many Zakus Char is getting?" Frau asked as she reached the cockpit. "Do you think he's getting resupplied?" Amuro quickly put the book behind him and sat on it.

"No, I don't know anything. I'm just guessing." Amuro said quickly. "I was saying that _if_ Char got resupplied, he would probably only get two Zakus, which is a lot better than having to fight three."

"Oh, okay." Frau said. She would have thought about it more, but she was distracted by a potent smell nearby.

"Ugh, Amuro!" She exclaimed, identifying the smell as him. "You're still wearing the same clothes from Side 7? No wonder you're beginning to smell!"

"I was going to get to it!" Amuro defended. "I was just busy doing things in the Gundam."

"Like what?" Frau asked. "There's nothing more important than shopping for personal hygiene!" Frau said, then dragged Amuro out of the Gundam cockpit. Amuro grabbed for the book as he was whisked away, but he couldn't get a hand on it, and it was left behind in the Gundam.

"It doesn't make a whole lot of sense." Bright said on the bridge. "Char should have attacked again by now. I mean, he's got a better ship…"

"None of the buttons are working!" Crown yelled on the Musai.

"Well, push them some more, we might get lucky!" Char said.

"A better crew…" Bright added.

Char leaned over to Crown. "Is that guy's uniform on backwards?"

"Yes sir."

"He's got more supplies…" Bright hypothesized.

"Where did all the ice cream go?" A random crewmember screamed.

"I don't know!" Another crewman yelled. "But we just ran out of Breakfast Burritos too!"

"God help us all." Crown said.

"Char himself has got to have an impressive handle on things…" Bright figured.

"Yes, that's a perfect idea Dren. I just hope we have enough shrimp and tapioca." Char said to no one.

"And his commanders are probably better too…" Bright continued.

"I love this episode." Dozle said, grabbing a handful of nachos. "It's just so 'Munch' indicative of Claire's 'Munch' feelings for Jimmy, but she can't tell him 'Munch' about it, because he's in 'Munch' a coma. 'Munch'"

"So it just seems odd that Char hasn't done anything by now. What do you guys think?" Bright said, then turned around to see every bridge crewman sending him insulted glares.

"What?" Bright asked angrily. "Did I say something that offended you?"

"Yes." Mirai said in a small voice.

"Sir, the Musai appears to have lost power." One of the radar operators said.

"Well, give me an explanation!" Bright said. "You don't need to waste my time by waiting for me to ask for one! Time is money!"

"Well, all of the lights on the ship have turned off and the engines have stopped functioning."

"Well," Bright thought. "You're right. They do seem to have lost power. It might be the perfect time to attack them."

"Yes, that's a great idea!" Sayla called out.

"Well, now that you've said it, I'm not so sure it's such a good idea anymore." Bright said.

"Aww, don't say that Bright-y." Mirai said in a jolly tone. "It was a good plan, a really good plan Sayla."

"First, never call me that again." Bright said to Mirai. "Second, what if it's a trap?"

"I know I'm not some kind of 'military expert' or anything," Mirai began. "But who tries to set a trap by powering down and standing still when you're the one chasing somebody?"

"Someone that is either insanely smart, or incredibly stupid." Bright said, narrowing his eyes in thought as to which one Char was.

"Sir, we've detected another ship moving towards the Musai." A radar operator said.

"Or somebody waiting for supplies and backup." Bright added.

"It might be a supply ship!" Mirai said. "We should attack while they're transferring supplies!"

"But what if it's a battle cruiser? Or another Musai?"

"Well, they don't exactly have much armor…" Sayla said.

"Yeah, and we don't exactly have bullets!" Bright said.

"What about the Gundam?" Mirai said. "We could send that."

"That is… actually a fairly decent idea, and relatively cheap." Bright said. "Somebody get all of our combat ready personnel on the bridge."

"But we just need to tell Amuro to do it right?"

"Yeah, but if he refuses, we're gonna have to bully him into piloting it." Bright narrowed his eyes and stroked his right hand with his left. "Possibly with… physical violence."

As the alarm blared out, Kai began running towards the bridge, fearful of what would happen if he were found to be disobeying orders. As he bounded down a hallway, Amuro burst out of a closet wearing his new Earth Federation uniform, scaring Kai away again.

"Okay, now that I've explained the plan to you, who is still in favor of trying to get to Luna II before Char catches up with us?" Bright asked. No hands went up.

"Well, that was easy." Bright said. "I'll do the next one anyway. Who is in favor of attacking Char while he's getting resupplied?" One hand went up, Amuro's.

"There are thirty of you here, how come only one of you voted?" Bright asked.

"Wait, wasn't there a third option? I was going to vote for that."

"Me too!"

"Me three!"

"No, you morons, there were only two options! And there was no 'all of the above'."

"Hey, that's not fair!"

"I want a recount!"

Bright raised his right hand back behind him, selecting his first target with his eyes. All of the 'voters' backed away from him in fear.

"Alright, we had one vote and it was to attack." Bright said. "So, power up the guns and turn the ship around, because that's what we're going to do."

As everyone set to work opening the gun ports, readying the Gundam and core fighter, and otherwise getting the ship ready for battle, Sayla decided to ask what she thought was a good question.

"Mr. Bright, you said we didn't have any ammunition… Well, if we don't then why are we readying the energy cannons?" Sayla asked.

"Because they're energy cannons!" Bright said, like it was the simplest thing in the world to understand. "Our anti-aircraft defenses use bullets, but the big guns on the ship are energy cannons. You know, the kind that use energy."

"I don't get it." Sayla said.

"Somehow, I didn't think you would." Bright said.

Meanwhile, on the Musai, the commotion had largely died away, leaving the Musai crew to relax in their perceived invisibility.

"Sir, the enemy ship appears to have turned around." Crown said. "It's heading straight for us!"

"Yes Dren, I think so too." Char said, ignoring Crown and talking to his non-present officer again. "There's definitely something odd about that supply ship." He was staring at it quizzically.

"_As Ryu went to move up to attack, Amuro stopped him, reminding him that they should attack with the sun at their backs to gain a tactical advantage."_ Amuro read. "Hey, that's not such a bad idea." He then said aloud.

"Hey Ryu, we should attack from over there." Amuro pointed. "That way the sun will be behind us."

"Wow, that is a great idea!" Ryu said. "You're really smart Amuro, where'd you learn that?"

"Umm, I read it… in a book." Amuro worded carefully.

"Excellent!" Bright said. "We'll attack Char before his supply ship even gets to him!"

"Definitely something odd." Char said. "Crown, what kind of signal is that ship broadcasting?"

"A 'friendly' signal sir." Crown said nervously, not liking where Char's thought process was going. "It's our supply ship."

Char narrowed his eyes further. "What color is the signal?"

"Uhm… green sir, like it should be." Crown answered. "Sir, the White Base is advancing on us, we need to do something!"

"That's strange… the signal is green, but the ship is painted blue. That shouldn't be."

"Prepare to attack!" Bright said. "On the count of fifty!"

"Why fifty, sir?"

"Because, everybody does three, or five, or ten. And I don't happen to like Alexander Hamilton or Abraham Lincoln; I want to go with Ulysses!"

"Sir, how about we just go with seven?"

"Fine." Bright groaned. "On the count of seven."

"You're right Dren," Char said. "They must be spies!" Char concluded.

"Wait a minute… what?" Crown asked incredulously.

"Six!" Bright said.

"The colors, they don't match up! They must be a ship full of spies, trying to destroy my beloved Musai!"

"Sir, I really don't think…"

"Five!" Bright called out.

"Target the enemy vessel!" Char commanded.

"The Trojan Horse, sir?" Crown said, hoping that Char would come to his senses.

"No, the spy ship!" Char said.

"Four!"

"Disengage Stealth Mode and prepare to fire!" Char commanded. It was in that, that single, slow, horrifying moment that the Musai crew looked around to notice that Dren, the man who singlehandedly kept Char focused on the mission, was nowhere to be found.

He was still passed out in the medical bay from the last episode.

"Three!"

So the Musai crew did the only thing they could.

They turned off Stealth Mode and powered up the cannons.

"Sir!" One radar operator called out. "It was a trap, the Musai is powering up its weapons!"

"Well, we've got no choice now, do we?" Bright yelled. "Two!"

Amuro placed the Musai's bridge in the sights of his rocket launcher. He didn't care what the book said, Char was going down today.

"Fire." Char said.

The crew of the White Base looked on in surprise and the crew of the Musai looked on in horror as the deadly beams lanced out from the Musai's three double turrets. They struck the blue supply ship in the side and blew it into a few thousand pieces, which began to slowly fall down to Luna II's surface.

"Did they just…" Bright trailed off, having completely forgotten about the countdown and the attack.

"Blow up their own ship? I think so." Mirai continued.

"But why?" Sayla asked.

"Wait!" Amuro yelled. "That wasn't in the book. This thing is useless!"

"Haha!" Char cheered. "Another job well done!"

"Sir, the Trojan Horse!" Crown reminded.

"Oh right." He thought for a moment. "Fire the missiles!"

"We're all out of missiles. We used them all two episodes ago."

"Well then… fire the beam cannons!"

"They need to recharge."

"Alright well… I'm out of ideas." Char said. "Usually this is when Dren comes up with a plan. Let's all listen to him."

"Sir, you need to fly out in your Zaku to fight the Gundam! It's closing fast!"

"Why?" Char whined. "My Zaku machine gun is going to be just as useless in this episode as it was last time. We need something better… like bazookas. Or battle axes."

"Well, we need to do something; the enemy ship is about to fire on us!"

"Okay…" Bright said, collecting his thoughts. "The attack is still on, I guess. I don't really know why they did that, but it can't be bad for us. Reset the attack counter!"

"Ooh, idea!" Char said.

"Is this a good idea, or a not so good idea?" Crown asked, now having become somewhat disillusioned with his commander.

"Let's load all of the peanut butter into the missile tubes and shoot it at them!"

Crown looked around at the other crewmembers, who were shrugging and shaking their heads. "…well, it's better than what we've got."

"Four!" Bright yelled again. He was about to call out the next number when a brownish substance shot out of the Musai's missile tubes. It scored a direct hit, covering much of the exterior of the White base with the substance.

"Sir, we can't use the energy cannons." Sayla said. "They appear to be clogged with… peanut butter."

Bright looked on, utterly stupefied. "Are you serious?"

"Prepare to retreat!" Char commanded.

"But why sir?" Crown asked. "Your… unorthodox but brilliant strategy has made the enemy ship useless in battle. Why not press the advantage?"

"Because we need to wait for the supply ship."

"But sir, I thought we shot down the supply ship."

"No, that was the spies!" Char said assuredly. "The real supply ship should be here soon."

"Sir, I…" He was cut off by another crewman.

"Just let it go kid." He said. "It'll be easier that way."

"And now they're retreating." Bright said, his voice filled with disbelief.

"I just don't get it!" Bright said. "How could a single… Wait, I am not falling into that trap again."

"I mean, in a single battle, the enemy ship stopped while it was chasing us, fooled us into thinking it was in trouble, powered back on to spring the trap on us but blows up their own resupply ship instead, clogged our gun turrets with peanut butter, then retreated!" Amuro ranted for him.

"Like I said before…" Bright began. "Either he's insanely smart, or incredibly stupid."

"What do you mean 'you shot down the supply ship'?" Dozle asked, back sitting on his couch over the video feed.

"Funny story actually." Char laughed. Dozle did not. "You see, the 'friendly' signal was green, but the ship was blue, so I thought… 'They must be spies!' And Dren agreed with me, so we shot them down!"

"So, your assessment of the situation was corroborated by a man who has been unconscious in your sickbay for the entire episode?"

"Well, I wouldn't put it in those words…" Char said. "Dren was right by my side the entire time! Still is, as a matter of fact." Char pointed to the air next to him.

"… Right." Dozle said, sighing heavily. "Well, I'm letting you off the hook for this one Char, because as strange as it may seem to everyone, yours was not the biggest screw-up of the day."

A man appeared to Dozle's right, and the huge man sighed again. "What did Conscon do this time?"

The man talked, whom Char could not hear.

"Three? As in, Conscon just lost three Zakus while patrolling deep inside our own territory?"

The man spoke again.

"Three Musais?" Dozle thundered. "I don't get it! How could a single…" The transmission cut off.

"Did you…" Crown began, but Char cut him off.

"Yep." Char said. "Forgot to ask about the ice cream."

Next time, on the Gundam Universe Project:

Episode 4: Char Aznable's Bogus Adventure


	4. Episode 4: Char's Bogus Adventure

Well, we're getting into the thick of this thing now, so these opening blurbs are going to get shorter and shorter, and contain less blithering, self-indulgent praise and more actual information. Just to let you know, the few of you that care, there will be a new chapter next cycle, on the 24th. Just because we have some holiday doesn't mean that we're slowing this thing down. If we ever do, it's likely because our project leader got into some kind of accident. Anyway, thanks to… Peloponnese for reviewing again! As for the rest of you… we can see the traffic figures you know, we know you're out there, and we're just happy that you came back to read this. But seriously, tell people about us. We'd do it ourselves, but like we said in the first chapter, we're too busy cranking out chapters every four days to promote ourselves. And if they're skeptical, tell them that it will get much better as it goes on and we have more material to make fun of, we promise.

Last time on the Gundam Universe Project: Thinking it was a group of spies and without Dren to keep him on track, Char destroyed Papua's supply ship and went on to defeat the White Base in battle. However, he let the White Base go, which continued on to Luna II.

Episode Four: Char Aznable's Bogus Adventure

"So, did we manage to recover any of the supplies from Papua's ship?" Char asked.

"Well, most of it was incinerated by our extremely well-aimed beam cannons, but there was some stuff that survived."

"Give me a rundown of all the supplies we lost, and the stuff we recovered."

"Let's see… Ice cream, melted. Steaks, burned. Toilet paper, disintegrated…"

"However, the popcorn is nicely popped." Crown said, eyeing the kernels.

"Well, thank god for small victories." Char said. "What about the Zakus they were transporting?"

"Sir, I know you asked for three Zakus, and two were destroyed along with the supply ship, but there is one left."

"Great!" Char said. "How soon until we can take it into battle?"

Crown hesitated. "Well sir… How do I explain it? You'd better just come down and see it yourself."

The White Base, now securely inside Luna II next to a Magellan battleship and a Salamis cruiser, was being looked over by Commandant Joachim.

"You don't understand, Commander Bright. This is a _secret _base! As in, nobody's supposed to know it's here!"

"Then how do you know about it, Commandant?"

"Uhh… I don't really…" He trailed off. Joachim thought about it for a full seven minutes before he responded. "Oh, that's right! I'm the commander of the secret base! That's how I know about it."

"That really took you way too long to figure out sir. How much are they paying you for this gig anyway?"

"Not much. Still, the fact remains Bright. We can't let civilians onto a secret base! This place is hiding the greatest secrets of the entire Earth Federation!"

"You mean like the emergency stash of ice cream?"

Joachim looked confused. "I'm sorry?" He asked, not knowing what Bright was talking about.

"Commandant, that's what Luna II is hiding." Bright said. "All that's here is a massive stash of ice cream."

Joachim moved closer to Bright. "Who told you that?" He whispered. "Nobody ever told me that all I was guarding was ice cream!"

"Yep, that's all they thought you were worth." Bright said in a normal voice. "And even that's better than what I think of you."

"I mean, I'm glad I know, but wow." Joachim said, still whispering. "Somehow the value of this base has just…"

"Plumetted? Crashed, like the stock market?" Bright asked, afraid of what he thought the actual answer would be.

"Skyrocketed!" Joachim whispered. "Now I know why it was kept a complete secret, even from me!"

"And you get a commander's salary for this?" Bright said, taking a deep breath. "Okay," Bright turned around, addressing his crew. "Who had 'Delusional Moron' in the betting pool?"

"I… think that was Kai, sir." Ryu called back.

"Hmm, Kai?" Bright said, thinking. "Well, I'm certainly not giving him any money." He muttered to himself.

"Well, we definitely can't let civilians onto the base now." Joachim whispered. "I mean, what if they found out? What if they had spoons?"

"Why are you still whispering?" Bright asked.

"Actually, now that I know that secret and I know that you know the secret, I have to assume that everyone on the ship knows the secret." Joachim pondered, still whispering. "Nope, I will not be able to let any of you leave the ship."

"Are you serious?" Mirai questioned.

"Perfectly." Joachim whispered. "If I let any of you off the ship, you might go after the stash, and I can't let the stash fall into the wrong hands. But where to put you?"

"Alright, let's just leave." Bright said. "Clearly this guy isn't really all _together_ up there."

"Aww, don't hurt his feelings!" Mirai said.

"Why not? This guy probably can't even figure out how to order his men to detain us."

"We'll have to detain you on your ship, until we can arrange to have your memories erased."

Bright pointed at Joachim, who was still hunched over whispering, even though Bright had moved away from him by now. "Do you see what I'm dealing with here?" He began to walk away.

"Men, detain these comrades of yours, then begin taking them down to interrogation." Joachim whispered, narrowing his eyes. "I need to find out what they know…"

But none of his soldiers heard him, because Joachim was still whispering.

"Why can't they hear me?" Joachim whispered, now to himself. "Bright must have confused them somehow." Joachim pulled a megaphone out from underneath his massive hat.

"Earth Federation soldiers, detain these… Earth Federation soldiers." Joachim whispered into the megaphone, producing a sound almost like normal speech. The soldiers, expecting this command but waiting for Joachim himself to give it, quickly surrounded the retreating Bright.

"Damn, I almost thought I was going to get away with that one."

"You almost did." Sayla said. "The ship's three feet in front of you."

"And why did I go back to the White Base?" Bright questioned his own logic. "I already knew they planned to detain us in there, I just made his job easier. Which he's getting paid for somehow!"

"Commandant, we need a reason." One of the soldiers said to Joachim.

"A reason for what?" Joachim returned to his normal voice, but was still using the megaphone.

"For detaining officers and soldiers."

"We need a reason to do that?"

"Yes, sir."

"Oh." Joachim paused. "Well, we'd better let the crew from that Zeon ship go then. We didn't really have a reason to detain them."

"No, sir we can detain them, because the Zeons are our enemies. We only need a reason for detaining fellow Earth Federation soldiers."

Joachim paused again. "Does it have to be a good reason?"

"No, sir. It just has to be a reason."

"Okay then, we are detaining the crew of the White Base because they, a bunch of civilians and trainees, have borne witness to Triple A + B + C… lassified materials."

"That's actually a good reason sir. So you mean the White Base and Gundam were the classified material, right?"

"No, something…" Joachim narrowed his eyes again. "Even more secret."

"So… what do you think it does?" Char asked, back on the Musai.

"I don't know sir; I was hoping you would have some kind of creative idea." Crown said. "You know, like the surge of brilliance that led you to destroy our own supply ship."

"Still not letting that one go, are you Crown?"

"No, sir."

"Good call Dren!" Char said, still talking to his own imagination. "I'll just use it as motivation to not do that again."

The Zaku they were looking at was certainly a strange thing. While still possessing the distinctive shape of a Zaku, several odd modifications had been made to it, all of which were questionable at best. First, and most obvious, a giant satellite dish was mounted on the head of the Zaku, pointing straight up. There were two antennas on its shoulders, both pointing inwards to the gargantuan head mounted dish. It had two kneecap-like bulges on its knees, one labeled 'Send,' and the other labeled 'Mail.' On the back near the engine was a massive Ethernet port, labeled 'In.' On its chest was an antennae pointing outwards, the labeling above it read 'Mobile Print.' Lastly, there was one peculiar dish on its foot labeled 'Direct TV.'

"Hey look over here, it says 'To Serve and Detect' on the side of it!" One of the Musai crew shouted.

"Shouldn't it say 'To Serve and Protect,' like on those Police Zakus?" Char asked.

"No, sir. If the instruction manual is to be believed, it is not a good idea to do any protecting in this thing." Crown said.

"Well, we can still use it." Char insisted. "All we need to do is give it some weapons."

"Sir, in case you haven't noticed, those aren't radar dishes _in_ its hands; those are radar dishes _instead_ of hands. It doesn't have any hands, Commander."

"So, then what possible use could it have?"

"I don't know sir, but the instruction manual says it seats three people."

"A three seater Zaku?" Char pondered. "Why?"

"Apparently, one person controls the right hand and left leg, another the left hand and right leg, and the third person is the one with the external camera feeds."

Back on Luna II, people were wheeling the real Captain of the White Base out of the sick bay.

"Good luck Bright." The Captain weakly called out from his gurney. "I'm just glad I don't have to deal with that idiot!"

"Great, now I'm getting made fun of by an old man who's almost dead." Bright muttered, then walked over to Joachim to try to talk some sense into him. "Commandant you really don't get it, Char's Musai is out there, and he's going to continue his attack at some point.

"Why do you think that Bright?" Joachim was back to whispering again, and the megaphone was back inside his hat.

"Because I've got two hundred bucks riding on it."

"Well, I think that was a stupid bet, because the Red Comet has to be an experienced soldier who knows his limits. He would never foolishly jeopardize himself or his crew to challenge Luna II with a small cruiser like the Musai."

"Commander, I'd never believe that you were about to foolishly jeopardize yourself and your crew to challenge Luna II with a small cruiser like the Musai!" Crown said, back on the bridge of said Musai. "But strangely enough here we are, and I'm not really surprised at all."

"Well, we can't exactly eat popcorn forever Crown." Char said. "And Luna II is a really big base, there's got to be some food in there."

"So, let us get this straight." One of the other crewmembers said. "You want to try some lunatic, nearly suicidal attack on Luna II, and not because we could steal the Gundam or the White Base, but because there _might_ be some food in there?"

"Precisely." Char said. When he did, most of the bridge crew ran down to the sickbay of the Musai to help resuscitating Dren, who was still passed out down there.

Char turned around. "Where did everybody go?"

"They went to try to save all of our lives." Crown said. "Actually, I'm going down there to help them."

With even Crown abandoning him, Char was left alone on the bridge of the Musai. And without anyone to distract him from himself, his mind wandered even further than it normally did.

"I wonder, what if that girl back in Side 7 was really my sister?" Char asked no one, but not himself. Char was never alone in his own mind.

"You're right Dren, it did look a little bit like her, but it has been ten years. She might look completely different now. Like if she'd gotten a brain transplant or something, I'd bet that she would look very different."

"I remember back a long time ago…"

_A long time ago, in an imaginary land…_

"_Casval! Casval!" A small blonde haired girl called out. "Casval, where did you go?"_

"_I'm right over here Artesia." Char responded. "I was just playing with Mr. Sunrise, the bunny rabbit!" Char pointed to an empty space next to him._

"_Oh cool, Mr. Sunrise!" Sayla exclaimed, upon noticing Mr. Sunrise, who did not actually exist._

"_Artesia, we can play with Mr. Sunrise later." Char said. "Why don't we go out and get some lunch?"_

"_Okay!" Sayla said happily, running off with her brother to their favorite food place, a combination pizza/taco restaurant._

"_What are we gonna eat today, Casval?"_

"_That's a silly question Artesia; we always eat the same thing here!" Char said._

"_Oh right." Sayla said, grinning from ear to ear._

"_Tacos it is!" Char said, as the dream world faded away…_

"Damn, those were some great tacos." Char said. "Yes of course Dren, I'll be sure to take you there someday."

Back on the White Base, a soldier was bringing Bright's captive group their food.

"Only five trays." Bright said, pointing to Ryu. "Do you see the size of this guy in here? We're going to need like, fifteen trays if we're going to meet his nutritional needs."

"What if he eats the little guy?" The soldier asked, pointing at Hayato.

Bright considered it. "What if he does eat the little guy?"

"Ooh Bright, can I eat him?" Ryu asked, eying Hayato with that… insane look that food crazy people give to food.

"Hmm, now that you've suggested it yourself Ryu, I don't think that it's a good idea anymore." The soldier closed the door, right as Kai quietly crept up to the pile of food trays and carefully removed one of them. He then retreated back to hiding in the corner.

"Alright, but can I eat Hayato's tray?" Ryu complained.

"Yeah sure." Bright said. Ryu picked up one of the trays and took a huge bite out of it, his huge jaw easily crunching the food as well as the plastic of the tray.

"Mmm, this is good stuff Amuro, you should take some." Ryu pushed a tray into Amuro's hands. "Because eating is just like loading your gun, you need lots of ammo in order to be worth anything!"

"Well, then I guess you should be in charge Ryu, because you've got the most ammo of all of us." Bright said.

While Sayla was in her cell, she got to thinking about a time long, long ago…

_A long time ago, in an imaginary land…_

"_Casval! Casval!" A she called out. "Casval, where did you go?"_

"_I'm right over here Artesia." A blonde haired boy responded. "I was just playing with Mr. Bandai, the giraffe!" Char pointed to an empty space next to him._

"_Oh cool, Mr. Bandai!" Sayla exclaimed, upon noticing Mr. Bandai, who did not actually exist._

"_Artesia, we can play with Mr. Bandai later." Char said. "Why don't we go out and get some lunch?"_

"_Okay!" Sayla said happily, running off with her brother to their favorite food place, a combination pizza/taco restaurant._

"_What are we gonna eat today, Casval?"_

"_That's a silly question Artesia; we always eat the same thing here!" Char said._

"_Oh right." Sayla said, grinning from ear to ear, as the dream world faded away…_

"I can't really remember much after that, but I was pretty sure we always ate Pizza." Sayla said to herself.

"I really don't see why we had to take the Recon Zaku with us sir." Crown said. "Won't they see us coming from pretty far away?"

"I don't think so." Char said. "You see, I'm betting that when they see the Recon Zaku, the Feddies will be just as confused about it as we were, and not consider it a threat. Plus, I've got Dren backing me up on the ship."

"Sir, this thing is not a threat." Crown continued. "It's useless."

"But they don't know that." Char said. "And I'm not totally convinced that this thing is useless yet. I mean, there must have been some reason to build it."

Outside, two patrolling Federation soldiers spotted the Recon Zaku.

"Look over there, it's a Zeon Zaku!" One of them yelled. "Sound the alarm!"

"No wait," The second soldier said. "That doesn't look anything like a Zaku. Look at those neon colors. And that big dish on its head! It's not a threat, just let it pass."

"He did what?!" Dren bellowed, the real Dren mind you, as soon as he was resuscitated. "You let Commander Char try to sneak into a heavily defended Federation base without any backup?"

"Well, he does have a bunch of solders with him…"

"You idiots!" Dren yelled. "He could get killed in there!"

"We didn't want to get killed with him!" A soldier said. "And he blew up our supply ship; he kind of deserves whatever happens to him in there."

"Morons!" Dren shouted. "You just don't get it, do you? You people may think Char is an idiot, but he's still the best commander Zeon has!"

"I guess you might be right. I mean, Commander Cima crashed her cruiser into a space colony, claiming she couldn't see it."

"And Admiral Delaz replaced all of the guns on his ship with floodlights."

"And Commander Gato… well his name is Spanish for 'cat.'"

"And Conscon…" Everyone shuddered. "Don't even get me started about Conscon."

"So it's settled then." Dren said. "We need to save Commander Char… even from himself if need be. Prepare to attack!"

"Amuro, why are you getting so jittery?" Hayato asked. "You look like you're on a sugar buzz."

"Or a drug withdrawal." Bright suggested.

"I just… need something!" Amuro panted, getting frantic at his inability to do anything. "Look, I know how we can get out of here, I just… need my book!"

"Yep I was right, drug withdrawal." Bright said. "Kai, you owe me fifty bucks."

"But I didn't even place a bet." Kai said softly.

"Fifty bucks!" Bright insisted, holding out his hand. "Come on, Ulysses S. Grant. In my hand. Now."

As Kai grudgingly reached for his wallet, the force of an explosion threw them all against the wall. Although Bright held on to the table, Ryu was hit with several pieces of silverware.

"Ryu, are you okay?" Hayato asked.

"I'm fine, I wasn't even hurt."

"Ryu, you're…" Hayato trailed off, unable to find the words.

"What?"

"You're leaking fat." Everyone looked over to see that the sharp silverware had punctured several holes in Ryu's belly, out of which was indeed leaking fat.

"Not on my floors you're not." Bright said. "Let's get out of here and get to the Medical Bay so you can plug those holes."

"But Mr. Bright, we can't leave." Hayato said plainly. "The door is locked."

"No it's not. None of these doors lock."

"Then, why did we just sit in there for three hours?"

"Because I wanted to see if I could really get Ryu to eat you."

"Commandant Joachim, we're under attack!" Said a terrified officer, who had a helmet instead of a hat for some reason. "It's the Musai!"

"Hmm, prepare to deploy the Magellan."

"Uh-oh, that's not good." One of the Musai crewmen said.

"What's 'not good?'" Dren asked.

"Luna II has detected our attack, and is launching a Magellan battleship to come and get us."

"You're right, that's not good at all." Dren said. "Keep firing anyway, we need to cover Char's infiltration!"

"Damn, if Char were here he'd think of some ridiculous, but ultimately functional way to get us out of this."

The hero they were speaking of was currently in the cockpit of his Recon Zaku, playing with the buttons on it.

"Hmm, I get the feeling that someone needs one of my bizarre plans to get them out of trouble." Char said. He pushed a big green button labeled 'Detecterizer.' Nothing happened.

"Sir, we're in the middle of one of your bizarre plans to get us out of trouble." Crown said. "I really doubt that even you could produce two working bizarre plans at once."

"Well, I hope they don't reassign you Crown; we've got thirty nine episodes left." Char said, then broke the fourth wall by turning towards the audience. "And that's just in this show."

"But we're under attack; don't you soldiers have something better to do than watch me babysitting children?" Frau asked.

"We don't have any orders about that."

"So why don't you contact the Commandant for new or updated orders?"

"We don't have any orders about that."

"Then how did he tell you to watch me?"

"We don't have any orders about that."

"Then frigging leave!" Frau snapped, yelling very loudly. "I have diapers to change here, and if you're not going to help then get the hell away from me!"

"We don't have any orders about that."

Frau ripped Katz's diaper off and threw it at one of the two soldiers.

"We don't have any orders abo… Oh god it smells!"

"Ha!" Frau pointed. "I knew you weren't robots!"

"Aww, it burns! Now you're under arrest!"

"Well, you've collected your last paycheck." Bright said behind them, right hand raised above his head. Two Brightslaps later the soldiers were gone.

"Alright everyone," Bright began. "I know none of you are worth the money I pay you, but you need to purse up here! We need to get this ship out of here before Char blasts his way inside. All you guys in the blue shirts, go get the Gundam. All you girls in red shirts, come with me to the bridge."

"I wish they were pink shirts…" Mirai said.

"Hey, for all we know they might be!" Sayla said. "This anime was made in 1979; the coloring wasn't what it is now."

"Oh crap!" Crown panicked. "We're blown, they made us!"

"What do you mean?"

"Look at that Magellan over there. It's coming to kill us! Commander, we must turn around!"

"No, not until I figure out what all these buttons do." Char said calmly.

"Now, as soon as we can target it, fire all weapons at the Musai." Joachim whispered.

"What was that sir, I didn't really hear you."

"I said…" Joachim took out the megaphone again. "As soon as we can target it, fire all weapons at the Musai!"

"Hmm," Char pondered. "I wonder what the 'Ping' button does."

Char pushed the button. There was a slight ringing sound aboard the Magellan.

"Do you hear something?" Joachim asked.

"No sir, I don't hear anything."

"Aww, I guess it does nothing." Char said, then pushed the button again.

"Yeah, now I hear it too sir."

"Ooh, I like this button!" Char pushed the button rapidly.

"Oh god, get it out of my head!" Joachim yelled into the megaphone, plugging his ears with his fingers, hopeful to quiet the noise. As he did, the combination of the ringing sound and Joachim's megaphone made the eardrums of the helmsman explode, causing him to grasp his ears in pain.

And with no one to drive the ship, the Magellan crashed into the side of the launch tube.

"Amazing!" Dren said aboard the Musai. "Commander Char has destroyed the Magellan!"

"Hooray for Char!" The Musai crew chorused.

"Oh no, Char found a way to disable the Magellan, without actually shooting at it." Bright said. "Considering our last battle, I'm not even surprised."

"Maybe he used sound as a weapon this time." Mirai chirped up.

"No, don't be ridiculous." Bright said.

"Alright, now that all of their personnel will be busy trying to fix that big ship, we can scrounge for food!" Char said.

"One question sir," Crown said. "How are we going to get the food out of the base and on to the Musai?"

"So all you need to do is remove that one, that one, that one, and that one." Amuro said, pointing to the metal braces that were restricting the Gundam.

"You're sure those are the only ones you need us to take off?"

"Yeah!" Amuro insisted. "After those ones are off, I can move the Gundam and take the rest off myself."

"Wow, that's amazing Amuro!" Hayato said. "How do you know so much about this stuff?"

"Good books." Amuro said, clutching the book to his chest. "I've read a lot of good books." Kai, Hayato, and Ryu went off to start removing the braces on the Gundam, leaving Amuro alone with the book.

"Oh, I love you, you wonderful account of everything that's about to happen!" Amuro said, rubbing the side of the book. "You're gonna make me into a star!"

"Stop, you're not allowed over there!" Joachim said with his megaphone.

"Whatever." Amuro said, then remembered something he had read. "Piss off loser; you're not going to do anything!"

"Oh yes I am!" Joachim said, edging closer to Amuro. "You are trespassing on Secret Federation Government Property! Prepare to have your memory erased!"

Amuro moved over to Joachim. "You know, if you want to really seem threatening, you should really have a gun." He said. "Here, take this one."

"Thank you… trespassing criminal." Joachim said. He looked in between the megaphone and the handgun, not sure as to which one he wanted to use as a weapon.

"Alright, now I really need to get over to the Gundam and start saving all of your asses." Amuro started walking over to the Gundam. Before he could make it, Joachim shot him in the leg.

Across the hangar bay, Char, Crown, and the Zeon soldiers heard the gunshot as they were rummaging about looking for food.

"No Garma, I don't think they were shooting at us." Char said, imagining someone else now that Dren was awake. "Has anybody found anything?"

"Actually no." Crown responded. "There isn't that much food here."

"What about this big door that says 'Emergency?'"

"Well, Commander, that's a solid metal door. We can't eat it."

"No, I mean what about behind the door." Char said.

It took the soldiers a few seconds to figure it out. "Oh!" They said collectively. They opened the door, peering behind it to find the Earth Federation's Emergency Stash of Ice Cream.

All 450 tons of it.

"Why'd you shoot me?" Amuro screamed in pain, writhing around on the floor of the White Base's hangar bay.

"Like I said, you were trespassing, and a criminal. And then you were resisting arrest." Joachim said triumphantly. "We needed to detain you until we could erase your memory, so I shot you."

"But you're not supposed to shoot me!"

"Huh?"

"Oh god! How could it have been so… wrong? This isn't what was supposed to happen at all!"

"Woah, that's a lot of ice cream." Crown said.

"Yeah, we're going to need some help."

"Yes sir, I'll call the Musai and tell them to send more troops."

"No, don't do that."

Crown paused, deciding it was probably better to indulge his commander rather than argue with him, as all Char seemed to ever do was ignore his suggestions and come up with crazy ideas anyway. "And why shouldn't we contact the Musai?"

"Because we can get all the people around here to help us."

"But… they're Earth Federation soldiers!" Crown said. "And we're Zeons!"

"Not if we don't tell them that."

"So, although I'm not yet disagreeing with you, why did you shoot him, Commandant Joachim?" Bright asked, having heard Amuro's pitiful screams from all the way up on the bridge and come down to see what was the matter.

"He was trespassing, and a criminal, and resisting arrest."

Bright nodded. "That seams pretty reasonable. Amuro, were you trespassing and resisting arrest? That would make you a criminal, wouldn't it?"

"It hurts!" Amuro continued to scream.

"Well, he's not denying it." Bright said. "Alright, I'll dock him three weeks pay as a punishment. Does that seem okay, Commandant Joachim?"

"Yes, that seems fair." Joachim said, then took a moment to think. "Wait a minute; I seem to have forgotten why I was here."

"Good. Then you can help us with our departure preparations."

"Hey, guys!" Char called from across the hangar bay. "Can you help us move this ice cream?"

"Wait!" Joachim yelled with the megaphone. "That's the secret stash! You can't know about that! Prepare to have your memory erased!"

"Um…" Char started, not knowing what to say. "You told me about it." He lied plainly.

"I did?" Joachim asked, confused.

"Yeah." Char said. "You said that: now that it's no longer a secret, we need to load it all on to the Salamis and move it to another secret location."

"Do I get to know where it goes?"

"No."

"Well…" Joachim said. "Okay then. All Luna II personnel, assist in loading all of the base's ice cream on to the Salamis over there." Joachim left the White Base, and all of the Luna II soldiers did too, completely forgetting about the Zeon attack and going off to load the ice cream onto the Musai.

"Should we…" Mirai began.

"Yes, please just leave." Bright said, tired of all of this nonsense.

The White Base left Luna II through the other launch tunnel, and soon enough the Luna II personnel were done loading the Salamis with the ice cream. Char also got them to paint the Salamis bright red, but that's less important.

As Char's Salamis was leaving Luna II, Joachim looked around.

"Hey guys," he began. "Where did the White Base go?"

"Mr. Bright, the Captain's dying." Frau said.

"Who didn't see that one coming?" Bright said. "I mean, he was impaled with shrapnel like, two episodes ago."

"He wants to see you, sir."

"Do I have to?" Bright asked. Mirai gave him a stern look. "Fine."

Bright went down to the medical bay, where the Captain was being attended to by Frau and Sayla.

"He's pretty much out of it, but he says that he has some 'important financial information' to tell you." Sayla said. Bright was at his side before Sayla could even think another thought.

"What is it, sir?" He asked eagerly. "What do you have to tell me?"

"Bright, I 'm going to entrust you with this fine ship, this… 'crew.' The ship is yours now, and so is the fate of the entire Earth Federation, I guess." The Captain said. Then he drew himself a little closer to Bright. "Oreo Cookie Sliders." He said, and then died.

"Seriously, those are your last words?" Bright asked, highly agitated now. "Not… you know, bank account number and PIN?"

"Mr. Bright, he's dead!" Mirai exclaimed. "Have some respect."

"Goddamn cheapskate." Bright muttered. "Well at least with him dead, I'm really the Captain now, and get his big fat paycheck."

"So, you're telling me…" Dozle said, back on the communications line with Char. "That you infiltrated a highly defended Federation Base, found the Federation's Secret Stash of ice cream, then convinced them to load it onto a Salamis, which you just… flew away in?"

"Pretty much yes." Char said.

"And how am I ever supposed to believe that?"

"Because it's true." Char insisted.

"You know, normally I'd just call you a liar and get back to my television, but your story has been confirmed by a Mr. Crown, your XO Dren, and by an imaginary giraffe. So I guess I have to believe you."

"So I'm going to get my Zakus?"

Dozle sighed heavily, a common thing for him in the last few days. "Yes Char, you'll get more Zakus."

"And my Breakfast Burritos?"

Dozle paused. "Yeah, why not." Then he cut the transmission.

"Damn, that guy is good."

Next Time on the Gundam Universe Project!

Episode 5: Is That The Gundam?

Thanks for reading again; we're starting to get into some of our better work now, so this will only get better and better. Review if you feel so inclined, but other than that please come back.


	5. Episode 5: Is That The Gundam?

Last time, on the Gundam Universe Project: The White Base dealt with the silliness of Luna II, and Char stole a truly gigantic amount of ice cream as well as a Federation Salamis cruiser. Will it ever be seen again?

Episode Five: Is That The Gundam?

The White Base was rapidly approaching the giant, blue, badly drawn sphere that was supposed to be Earth. It is accompanied by a Federation Salamis cruiser from Luna II, mostly because we could not think of a good reason to get rid of it.

Somewhere behind them was Char's Musai and his new prize, the red painted Salamis that now goes by the name _Charmobile_.

"I really have to hand it to those Feddies; they sure know how to make a good looking ship." Char said, on the bridge of his new warship. "I mean, I still need to do some body work on it to make it more of my style, but this thing is really, really great."

"Yes, sir. And once we download the data stored in its computer banks, we'll know far more about the Federation's plans than ever." Crown said. "You'll have accomplished more in one silly detour than the entire Zeon Intelligence Agency has over the whole war!"

"Hmm, I really wish you had told me all of that before…"

Crown's look instantly went from elation to dread. "You deleted the all of the data, didn't you?"

"Yeah." Char said dejectedly, this time knowing he had done something wrong.

"Great, now I owe Dren fifty bucks."

"Re-entry sequence beginning in twenty five minutes!" Mirai called out.

"Now, you're going to be able to handle this, right Mirai?" Bright asked. "Because now that we have some allies, I can replace you."

"That's not a nice thing to say, Mr. Bright." Mirai said, turning around to face him. "You can't replace me!"

"Oh yes I can!" Bright said excitedly, reaching for the phone on his chair. "You want to see how fast I can replace you?"

"You can't replace me because I'm the morale officer on this ship." Mirai said. "I keep everybody happy! And I'm currently working for free."

"Good point, but right now you're about to crash this expensive warship into the side of that Salamis."

Mirai quickly looked back ahead. "No I wasn't!" She insisted.

"Well you couldn't have possibly known that, could you? You were looking at me until a second ago!" Bright said. "Now concentrate on re-entry. If I die in this anime, it's not going to be because of you!"

"I'm just worried about Char attacking again." Sayla said, unknowingly butting in on their conversation.

"How could he possibly attack again?" Bright said. "Char was barely in the last episode!"

"Hey kid, do you read me?" Asked Lieutenant Reed on the Salamis.

"I don't really like that tone, Lieutenant." Bright said, emphasizing Reed's rank. "I'll have you know that I get paid more than you do now."

"But, well…" Reed stuttered. "but my crew is better than yours!"

"I don't have to pay my crew as much." Bright fired back. "This leaves more money for, well, me." Bright cut the transmission, then walked over to the radar operators.

Not wanting anyone to believe he had given Sayla's concern some thought, Bright whispered to the radar operators. "So, where is that Musai, anyway?"

"It's still behind us, sir." One of them said. "It's still with another unknown ship and a third ship is approaching them."

Back with Char's… Guess we have to call it a flotilla now, because it has more than one ship in it. Anyway, the resupply ship was fast approaching, blinking red lights against its red colored body to signify itself as 'friendly.'

"Open a communications line to Admiral Dozle." Char ordered. Nothing happened for several minutes.

"Sir, we don't know how."

"What do you mean, 'you don't know how?'" Char asked. "It's one button!"

"One button that says 'TALK.' There is no such button anywhere on this bridge."

"Oh my god." Char said, as horrified as his bridge crew now.

"Well, there is this button over here labeled 'SPEAK,' but all of us are afraid to touch it."

"I understand, but you're gonna have to."

After a few tense moments, one of the soldiers gingerly pushed the 'SPEAK' button. The viewscreen changed to that of a dark looking war room surrounded by Earth Federation officers.

"Admiral Dozle!" Char began. "You look… smaller."

Dren quickly pushed the button again. To everyone's relief, Admiral Dozle appeared on the screen.

"Char! Why haven't I gotten the report on your most recent battle with the White Base?" Dozle boomed.

"Well, you see there…" Char deflected. "We haven't had our next battle with the White Base yet. We haven't caught them."

"Why?" Dozle yelled. "You're ships are faster, there's no reason for you to not have caught up with them… unless." Dozle paused. "It was free blueberry stackers day at the Pancake Palace, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." Char said. "We're sorry about that."

"Not you guys too." Dozle sighed, collapsing back onto his couch. "That free pancake day put half the Zeon army out of action! And the massive traffic pileup at the exits to the Pancake Palace put another fifteen Musais in the repair yards!"

"We've really got to stop this kind of stuff from happening." Char said.

"I might need a specialist." Dozle said. "Maybe I should get… Ramba Ral."

"He's not a little bit crazy?" Char asked, suddenly attentive.

"Oh, he's plenty crazy." Dozle said. "But he's just that man I need." Dozle cut the transmission.

Char turned to his assembled crew. "Okay, we're about to try an attack while the Trojan Horse is preparing for atmospheric re-entry.

Crown raised his hand. "Why, sir?" he asked.

"Because we now have three more Zakus and an additional ship to fight the Feddies with. There's absolutely no way we can lose this one, but everyone better stay sharp out there. If your Zaku gets caught in the Earth's gravity, you'll probably die." Char said.

"Don't listen to him; you'll definitely die if that happens." Dren corrected.

"Dren, the science isn't totally proven that a Zaku will never survive re-entry." Char said. "We just know that most of the time… Well, all of the times we have tried… it does not."

"Sir, the mission." Dren reminded.

"Oh, right Dren!" Char said. "Anyway, with all of the Trojan Horse's crew concentrated on re-entry, they won't be prepared for an attack. The Zakus, led by Crown and my own with the _Charmobile_ will launch a surprise attack on the Trojan Horse and the accompanying Salamis, and the Musai will cover us with missile fire."

"Wow, you were actually right Dren." Crown said. "He really does come up with some good plans when he's not distracted."

"Now, it's been proven that our regular weapons have no effect on the Gundam." Char said.

"Why do I have the feeling that I'm not going to like where this is going?" Crown said.

"So, we're going to have to use irregular weaponry." Char said, ignoring Crown's remark. "Now the heat hawks, aka battle axes work perfectly fine, but this is what we're going to load our bazooka rockets with…"

Back with the Federation ships, the Salamis launched the re-entry capsule.

"Sir, there's another Salamis following behind us, but all of the lights are turned off and its engines are on low power."

"Really?" Bright chuckled. "I guess Luna II thought we were too valuable to be escorted by only one ship."

"But there's something else that's odd." The operator continued. "The Salamis is painted bright red."

"And what does that mean?"

"Well, all of our Salamis are painted blue and purple, none of them are painted red. Does that mean that this could be an enemy ship?"

Bright openly laughed now. "Don't be stupid! Only a complete idiot would identify a ship's allegiance by its paint job! Is there anything else?"

"Yes sir, there's a Musai that's just launched three Zakus off our starboard bow."

Bright angrily looked back at the operators. "Why the hell didn't you lead with that?" He roared.

"Well, the Salamis does say 'Charmobile' on the side. I just thought it might be important."

"Well, it's not. Prepare to launch Gundam against the Zakus!"

As a funny aside, when you see the animation for the hangar doors opening on the White Base you can clearly see the Core Fighter in launch position, but the Core Fighter does not launch in this episode.

"Amuro, you have to get back to White Base in five minutes, or you'll be too late, understand?"

"Don't you mean four minutes Sayla?"

"No, I said five minutes."

Amuro checked his book just to make sure. "You mean four minutes."

"Okay." Sayla said. "Anyway, there are three Zakus out there, so be careful."

"_I see four Zakus, three degrees."_ Amuro read. "There should be four Zakus, Sayla. Not three."

"Well there are three, what do you want me to do about it?"

"Find the other one." Amuro launched the Gundam, but he was still worried. "I know how this battle is supposed to go, but in the book I've fought Char three times by now. I've only fought him once, so I'm not even half as good as I'm supposed to be."

"The Trojan Horse has launched its mobile suit, Lieutenant Dren."

"Just as Char predicted." Dren said. "Fire the missiles!"

The White Base dodged the missiles, bringing it into a perfect firing angle for the _Charmobile_.

"Excellent." Char said. "Now, disengage 'Stealth Mode' and destroy the Salamis!"

"Sir, I thought the plan was to destroy the Trojan Horse first."

"I have altered the plan. Pray that I do not alter it any further!" Char said, cackling madly.

"Dammit, if Dren were here instead of on the Musai this wouldn't have happened."

The _Charmobile_ opened fire, almost instantly vaporizing the Salamis cruiser, which didn't exactly have armor. After it was done firing, Char launched in his Zaku from the deck on the _Charmobile_.

Meanwhile, Amuro was lining up the perfect shot on one of the Zakus. He was about to fire when Sayla interrupted him.

"Amuro!" She yelled over the communications line, startling Amuro and ruining his perfect shot. "I found the other Zaku!"

Amuro looked back, seeing that the Zakus had moved away. "Yeah, thanks Sayla."

"You're welcome!"

"Our ship's been destroyed! Get to the White Base." Reed said, after his capsule took a missile hit.

"Slow the ship to get Reed inside! Fire the rear missiles to defend! What the hell are you imbeciles doing?" Bright yelled.

"Ryu is stuck in the door!"

"I'll get you this time Char." Amuro said. "I know your every move!" Amuro fired, seemingly hitting Char only to see a missile immediately coming right at him. Knowing this beforehand, Amuro dodged it. Amuro fired twice more, missing Char both times before he was interrupted again by Sayla.

"Amuro, don't spend all of your time fighting Char." She cautioned. "The other Zakus are retreating, so you can kill them really easily."

"Sayla, they aren't retreating, they're actually going right for the White Base." Amuro corrected.

"Oh, that's what that is?" Sayla asked. "Hey, you're right; they are heading towards the White Base! Oh, everything makes a lot more sense now!"

"Sayla, you don't understand!" Amuro said, dodging a missile from Char as he did. "I can beat Char; I know exactly what he's going to do!"

Sayla paused, talking with someone off-screen. "Mr. Bright says to come back and defend the White Base or he'll kill you slowly."

"Ugh, fine!" Amuro protested. He picked a Zaku out of the three and fired. His long range shot was a direct hit thanks Amuro's forewarning of his miss, destroying the Zaku.

"Oh crap, I'm out of ammunition." Amuro said, discovering that what he had just said was true. "Sayla, can you send me the…" Amuro stopped, remembering what he had read about himself asking for the beam rifle and receiving the gundam hammer. Amuro figured instead he's try some reverse psychology, asking for the gundam hammer in the hopes of receiving the beam rifle.

"Sayla, can you send me the gundam hammer?" Amuro asked.

"Sure, we can send you that!" Sayla said excitedly. "I'll tell you the second it launches."

"Dammit, I was really sure that was going to work."

On the White Base, Sayla was confused. "Why did Amuro ask for the gundam hammer instead of the beam rifle? We could have sent him the beam rifle if he had asked for it."

As Amuro reached for the gundam hammer, he saw Char lining up a shot. He kept reaching for the hammer, knowing he could block the rocket with it. However, Amuro grabbed the hammer too early, and Char's rocket hit the Gundam instead.

Amuro expected the rocket to damage the Gundam's armor, something he'd have to compensate for as the battle continued. What he did not expect was for the rocket explosion to spread purple goop all over the Gundam's torso.

"What the heck was that?" Amuro asked, flipping through the book quickly to try to find an answer. When he didn't find one, he stuffed it back behind his seat. "Well, it didn't seem to do much."

Amuro made the Gundam reach back and throw the gundam hammer at Char's Zaku. Doing the first thing that even remotely made sense to him, Char fired at the hammer with his bazooka. The rocket hit the hammer, covering it in the purple goop and sending it flying backwards. Amuro caught the hammer, in doing so accidentally getting some of the goop on the Gundam's hand. Amuro went to throw the hammer back at Char, but found that the Gundam's hand would not move.

"Hey wait, what the…" Amuro panicked, desperately trying to move the Gundam's right arm. "The goop is sticky and adhesive? Oh crap."

On the Musai bridge, something was bothering Dren. Char's plan to disable and then destroy the Gundam with industrial adhesive was going well, but Dren was sure there was something wrong.

"Uh-oh." Dren said, realizing what Char had overlooked, or rather had not thought of. "I just realized the one major flaw in Commander Char's plan. Launch the Komusai and the Recon Zaku; we're going to need to save him again!"

"Crown, what are you doing?" Char scolded, able to break away from the Gundam now that it had been essentially disabled. "Stop screwing around and destroy the Trojan Horse!"

"But, Commander Char, there's so much anti-air fire out there! And I'm not even a pilot!" Crown responded.

"But you're doing so great out there, you've already killed three of their mobile suits, you're one of the best pilots I've ever seen!"

"Sir, I've never flown a Zaku before!" Crown said. "And there's only one mobile suit out here, and it's still alive!"

"Hmm, then where did those other mobile suits go? They must have retreated! Anyway, just approach the Trojan Horse from below." Char stated plainly. "Nobody ever puts guns on the bottom of the ship. At least not Japanese anime spaceship designers."

Char turned to Komun, the other pilot who wasn't dead yet. "Komun, get ready to destroy the enemy mobile suit as soon as I hit it with another rocket."

Back on the White Base, the crew was feeling the effects of Crown's attack, which contrary to his own belief was proving to be quite successful.

"Tell Amuro to get back here and cover White Base!" Bright shouted into the phone. "I'll kill him; I'll really kill him this time!" Then the whole ship was shaken by an explosion.

"Armor has been breached!" One of the operators called out. "Damage in sector 42!"

"Which sector is that?" Bright asked. "If it's not useful, I say we let it burn."

The operator looked at his comrade, who shook his head. "We… do not know which sector that is."

"Well then let's find out!"

"Why don't we just deploy the repair stuff to sector 42?" Sayla asked. Nobody listened to her, because the whole rest of the bridge crew was filing through instruction manuals to figure out which sector was sector 42.

"White Base, I need help!" Amuro whined. "They're double teaming me! It's so unfair!"

Char moved forward first, attacking with his bazooka. At close range Char hit the Gundam again with the adhesive, spreading the goop onto the Gundam's right shoulder. Char then threw away the empty weapon and drew his heat axe and attacked again. The weapon easily sliced through the metal shield Amuro was carrying in his functioning hand.

"Now Komun!" Char ordered. "Get him!"

Komun swooped in, directing his mobile suit to chop the Gundam in half. However, when Komun's axe hit the top of the Gundam's shoulder, the axe became stuck in the same adhesive that was pinning down the Gundam. Komun tried to let go of the axe and fly away, but Amuro shot him down with his head machine guns.

"Hmm, did not see that one coming." Char said. He then found that he could no longer see the Gundam, the explosion from Komun's Zaku having thrown it from his view.

Hiding back behind the White Base, Amuro threw away his useless shield and contacted Sayla again. "Sayla I don't care how you do it, but you're going to send me the beam rifle, or so help me god I will incinerate your stash of lollipops!"

"No, not my lollipops!" Sayla shrieked at the top of her lungs, which broke the rest of the crew from their concentration on the instruction manuals.

"What's she screaming about?" Mirai asked.

"Hell if I know." Bright said. "Actually, hell if I care." He corrected himself. "Oh, here it is! Sector 42 is the fuel tanks. Wait, the fuel tanks? Oh crap, deploy the patch film there immediately!"

"Dispense the bubbilicious!" The crewman from the second episode said again, pulling the lever to do exactly that. "In fact, why don't we just reuse the same bubbilicious dispensing animation again, nobody will notice!"

People noticed. Or at least we did. You should have too.

Back with Char, the Red Comet was still trying to find the Gundam.

"Dammit, where did it go?" He asked himself; sure that he wouldn't get an answer.

Surprisingly enough, as he said that, Char spotted something far, far below him. He didn't know what it was for sure, and like all other Zeon soldiers was unaware of the zoom function on the Zaku's main camera.

So instead, Char leaned forward, trying to get as good a view as he could. "Is that…" He started, leaning even further foward. "Is that the Gundam?" He asked.

"Crown, you'd better go check that out, I think the Gundam is down there." Char said, ordering Crown to disengage from the White Base.

The thing Char saw was not the Gundam; it was a piece of the Salamis Char had destroyed earlier. But there was no way Char could have known that. Well, actually there was two ways Char could have known that, and Char was following one of those ways right now by sending Crown to look at it.

However, while Char was still squinting at the chunk of metal below him, the actual Gundam was sneaking up on him with its newly equipped beam rifle.

"I've got you now Char, this war ends today!" Amuro yelled in triumph, aiming and taking a shot at Char's motionless Zaku.

The shot seemed sure to hit, even as Char turned around to see it, he knew that it was too close to dodge, even for his super speedy Zaku. Char decided to spend his last moments thinking of every snack food he had ever eaten.

But before the energy beam could tear through the non-armor of Char's Zaku, something else flew in front of it, taking the shot. Char opened his eyes in surprise and Amuro opened his mouth in disbelief to see the Recon Zaku, flown by Dren and two other Musai crewmen, sitting protectively in front of Char's Zaku.

When the beam shot hit the Recon Zaku in its right 'hand' radar dish, the dish absorbed the energy blast, sucking it away and doing no damage to the Recon Zaku.

"What the hell!" Amuro protested, beating his fists on the Gundam's control panel in anger.

Inside the Recon Zaku, Dren knew he had to act quickly. So he pushed the one, out of so many buttons, that he was sure would work. Dren punched the button labeled 'Direct TV.'

On the White Base, the crew found that as soon as Dren pushed the 'Direct TV' button, all of their view screens turned from informational readouts to a rerun of Star Wars Episode III. Of all of the crew's horrified screams, Bright's could be heard the loudest as he both called for the Gundam's retreat and return, and threw his shoes at the nearest two screens, shattering them instantly.

Once loaded into the Komusai capsule, Char finally breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you so much Dren, I really thought I was dead out there!" Char said, patting his friend on the back.

"It was no problem sir. Like I said, I'm here to save you when you get in trouble, even from yourself."

"Well, I don't know what I'd ever do without you." Char said, then looked around, noticing something was wrong. "Hey, where's Crown?"

"I don't know, maybe we can see him from the cockpit of the capsule."

Outside, Crown's Zaku was burning up, having gotten too close to Earth's atmosphere while trying to investigate Char's 'Gundam' sighting. Char didn't notice that, he only noticed that the heat had made the Zaku appear bright red.

"Hey Crown, did you repaint your mobile suit?" Char asked seriously. "Because, I mean, I like the colors, but you're kinda copying me."

"Damn you, Char Aznable!" Crown shouted, his last words before his Zaku disintegrated.

"Crown?" Char asked, unaware that he had just died. "Crown? Okay, I'm sorry for yelling at you about the color, it's just, you know, red is my thing. And I don't really like it when people copy off of me."

No one on the Komusai seemed inclined to tell Char that Crown was dead, and let him continue.

"Crown? Okay, so you're not talking to me. Alright, we'll talk it over when we get back to the base, okay?" Char finished. "Make sure Garma goes and picks him up Dren, we wouldn't want Crown to get lost on Earth now would we?"

"Commander, we have to contact Captain Garma anyway, remember?"

"No, not really."

"The second part of the plan! When Garma sends his troops and intercepts the White Base when it lands." Dren said.

"Oh right!" Char said. "Contact Captain Garma immediately."

"What is it, Red Comet?" Garma asked, twirling a piece of his purple hair around his finger.

"How many times do I have to tell you Garma? That's not my name!" Char said. "It's Casva… I mean Edwar… I mean Char! Yes, that _is_ my name, Char Aznable, I am Char."

"Okay, I forgot how seriously you take that stuff." Garma said. "So what is it, why are you calling on me?"

"Because I don't really remember the details myself, I'm going to assume you know about the Federation's 'V' Project and their prototype mobile suit."

"Yes, but I was always bothered by the fact that they called it the 'V' Project. I mean, 'V' is a stupid letter, why not 'N' or 'R' or 'Garma?'"

"Your name is not a letter, its five letters. One of which is repeated." Char said. "Anyway, I thought you'd be interested to know that I'm chasing them into your airspace."

"What?" Garma said, panicking. "I'm not prepared yet; I haven't even gotten a chance to devise a battle strategy that might actually work! You need to give me more time, stall them!"

"You don't need to worry about it, it'll be five or six hours before they get to you." Char said. "Plus, they'll probably be on fire."

"They'll be on fire!" Garma yelled. "How the hell am I supposed to fight something that's on fire?"

"I don't know, that's not my department." Char said. "But I must warn you, it cost me six Zakus to find and corner them."

"Six Zakus?" Garma questioned. "You must be joking! You're sending something that killed six Zakus towards me! I can't even beat one Zaku!" Garma was now visibly shaking. "I'm so overwhelmed; you have to help me Char!"

"Calm down, I'll be right there." Char said.

"Right, I'll dispatch a Gaw attack carrier right now."

"Oh no." Char said, after cutting the transmission.

"What's the problem sir?"

"Garma's afraid of flying." Char said. "And heights."

Next Time on the gundam Universe Project!

Episode 6: Garma's Panic Attack


	6. Episode 6: Garma's Panic Attack

Okay, so after a little bit of meditation, we thought that the reason for our low review and reader counts could because we don't do any reading or reviewing on this account. Well, as of today that is gonna change, we're going to support our unjustifiably small UC Gundam community by reading and reviewing every story updated or published in this section after our initial launch date, which was a whole twenty days ago. Maybe then our fledgling, but hopefully loyal readership will increase! Well, that's it for this section today, enjoy that new chapter! Oh, and Peloponnese, we can't wait to reveal Gihren either…

Last time, on the Gundam Universe Project: The Gundam hammer made its first and only appearance. We would lament its loss, but in the same episode Crown died, leaving Char with one less friend in the world. At the same time, the White Base descended through Earth's atmosphere, being chased by Char into a 'trap' being laid by Garma Zabi.

Episode 6: Garma's Panic Attack

As it slowly descended towards the ground, the crew on the White Base could clearly see the large, purple form of the approaching Gaw plane.

"So is that a plane, or a flying whale?" Bright asked rhetorically, speaking to the sheer size of the plane.

"No, I don't think so." Sayla said. "Whales aren't purple."

Bright turned back to Sayla, wearing a contemptible expression. "Thank you for that stunning display of brilliance Sayla, now figure out how we're going to fight it."

Meanwhile, Garma was nervous over the recovery of the Komusai capsule.

"No, we're not aligned right!" Garma said, biting his fingernails. "Move a little over to the left, the capsule will miss us!"

"Captain Garma calm down, we've got this under control."

"Calm?" Garma let out a short laugh. "I can't be calm, look at where we are! I'm way out in the middle of nowhere, in a truck, and we have to recover Char's capsule or we're all gonna die!"

"We won't die; we'll just pick him up somewhere else."

"Somewhere else?" Garma said. "We won't pick him up on the ground? Wait a minute, where are we exactly?"

"Captain Garma, don't look out the window…"

But it was too late, Garma looked out the window of the bridge of the plane-ship to see that not only was he very high up in the air, he was also in a plane. Garma screamed in terror just as Char ventured up onto the bridge.

Char found Garma in a sorry state, clinging desperately to the floor and crying profusely.

"You let him look out the window, didn't you?" Char asked.

"We tried to stop him, but it was pretty much inevitable."

"I don't get it, how could a single…" Char began. "I mean how do you get him on the plane in the first place?"

"He's always perfectly fine while the plane is on the ground. I don't think that he realizes that the Gaw is an airplane until it is flying already."

"Much like how I don't realize that feta cheese and bacon burritos are delicious until I've already eaten them." Char continued.

"Char!" Garma whined. "You've got to help me, I'm in an airplane!"

"Yes I know, and you got into it all by yourself."

"And it's flying!" Garma continued. "Flying! You know how much I hate flying."

Dren, having come up to the bridge also, turned to Garma and then to Char. "Is he going to be alright?"

"Eh, it's always 50/50 with him." Char said. "Sometimes he forgets he's in a plane, then remembers and has another panic attack. Sometimes the crew will hang landscape over the windows to trick him into thinking he's on the ground. Still other times, he'll just stay there, clinging to the floor until he lands."

"Char, get me back to the ground! Get me back to the ground!" Garma cried.

"Then," Dren pondered. "Why does the Zeon Command make him fight on Earth, where you have to fly to get anywhere?"

"Mostly because Gihren likes to play practical jokes on him involving aircraft." Char said. "But mostly because he's even worse in space."

"Really?" Dren asked, watching Garma hook his arms around a table support. "I find that unimaginable."

"Get me off, this thing's gonna kill me!" Garma rambled on.

"No, it's true." Char said. "You should have seen him as soon as somebody told him that spaceships fly, and that the space colonies are in fact very far from the ground."

"You actually saw that?" Dren asked. "That must have been horrible."

"Yeah, I was the one who told him." Char said. Dren shot a discouraging look at Char. "What, I didn't intentionally set off a massive nervous breakdown on his part. I thought he knew already. He got through the military academy and he was totally fine. I mean, how did he go through seventeen years of his life without realizing that the space colonies were not on the ground?"

On the White Base, Hayato was practicing his gunnery skills, hoping to get better at defending the ship and possibly get a raise, both in height and in money. Kai opened the door to the simulation room, looking around carefully.

"Is Bright down here?" Kai asked gingerly.

"No, why would he be down here?" Hayato asked, shooting another ship in the simulation. Kai stepped fully into the room, then closed the door.

"I think he wants to kill me after I put cream in his coffee instead of milk."

"Wait, aren't those pretty much the same things?"

"Somebody should tell him that." Kai said. "So, what are you doing?"

"Training up for when the next Zeon attack comes."

"Good idea." Kai said. "Hey, I saw Sayla down here a while ago, how did she do on the simulator?"

"She crashed it."

Kai thought for a moment, watching Hayato use the simulator. "Isn't that impossible? You're flying in a straight line and there's nothing to crash into."

"She found a way."

"We can clear this up easily by deploying the Gundam; it's the only way to break through the Zeon lines." Lieutenant Reed said back on the bridge. Kikka, one of the little kids, was bouncing around, playing with the railing.

"Ehrm," Bright stalled. "Let's just say that my confidence in Amuro, both as a pilot and as a person, is not that great. It's a good thing he's working for free, or that guy would be out of a job."

"But if we wait, it'll be an all out attack, and I don't like those." Reed said. "So, I'm ordering you to launch a counterattack." Reed noticed Kikka playing around. "Hey, shut up and sit down little kid!" He yelled. Kikka began crying, then threw a piece of cheesecake at Reed, hitting him in the face.

"And now that's your piece of cheesecake. You don't get any more." Bright said. "But seriously Kikka, cut that out." The ship then shook as the Dopp fighter planes began attacking.

"Let's try attack pattern Four!" One of the pilots said.

"No, we can't do that anymore, Captain Garma changed all of our plan names to attack pattern 'Garma.'"

"Does that mean we only have one attack pattern?"

"No, we still have all of them, they're just all named the same thing."

"Zooooooooooooooom!" One of the fighter pilots sounded out as he began his attack run.

"Brakka brakka brakka brakka brakka!" Another pilot sounded out as he fired missiles, damaging the White Base.

"Mr. Bright, the Gundam is all ready to go." Amuro said.

"Good, prepare to launch it immediately." Reed said, having wiped most of the cheesecake off his face.

"Just hold on a second, I think Hayato has an idea." Amuro said.

"I do?" Hayato asked.

"Yeah!" Amuro said enthusiastically.

"Really?"

"Yeah!"

"What is this idea about?"

"It's about the Guntank!"

"And what was my idea?"

"That because this won't be a close quarters battle, we should use the Guntank instead of the Gundam. That way we won't have to be as dependent on me!"

"Really, that was my idea?"

"Yeah!"

"When did I get it?"

"Just now!"

"And I told you about it?"

"Yeah!"

Hayato shrugged. "Good enough for me then." He cleared his throat and then began. "Mr Bright, because this won't be a close quarters battle, we should use the Guntank instead of the Gundam. That way we won't have to be as dependent on Amuro."

"Hmm," Bright thought. "I like the part about not being dependant on Amuro. Let's do it."

"Continue pursuing the Trojan Horse, and keep firing at it." Char said. "But whatever you do, do not change our elevation too rapidly. You don't want to be here when Garma eventually pukes."

"Do we have to stay?" Garma whined. "Why can't we just land… and fight them with cars?"

"So here's a question." Dren said. "Do you guys actually win battles with these Dopp things?"

"Yeah, they're usually pretty effective." One of the Gaw pilots said.

"Until the enemy starts firing back." A second pilot said.

"Yeah, when they start shooting back, the success rate drops a bit."

"Like how much?" Dren asked.

"From about an eighty four to a three."

"You mean a thirty, right?"

"No, we mean three. The Dopps do not do well under fire."

"Not to mention most of the pilots crash the things while trying to evade."

The White Base descended as another wave of Dopps attacked it. The Guntank got into position to launch.

"Hey Amuro, let's use the Guntank to move out and smash through the Zeon lines. That way the White Base can escape!" Hayato said.

"I don't think so Hayato." Amuro said, shaking his head. "First of all, what if they have tanks? We couldn't deal with planes and tanks if they had both."

"What makes you think they will?"

"No reason." Amuro said. "And second of all, the Guntank is pretty useless. It's really more of a long range fire support platform than an assault vehicle. And plus, we've never actually used it before, we don't know if it will even work."

"Guntank, you can launch now." Sayla said from the bridge.

Amuro moved the Guntank to the edge of the launch platform, then fired the booster engines underneath in to launch the Guntank up into the air. However, instead of moving forward when Amuro pressed forward on the control stick, the Guntank just fell back onto the launch deck of the White Base.

"That's not good." Amuro said.

"What happened?" Bright asked from the bridge.

"The Guntank just had a massive mechanical failure."

"How do you know? You're not a mechanic!" Hayato said.

"Well, my screen says 'Massive Mechanical Failure' on it." Amuro said, without missing a beat. "And the 'Massive' is in all capital letters and bold print."

"Aw man, not again!" Hayato complained.

"This happened before?" Bright asked, clenching his fists.

"Yes, when I tried to turn it on for the first time."

"And you didn't fix it?"

"I thought that I had fixed it!" Hayato insisted. "I guess I must have missed something."

"You guess!" Bright fumed. "Find out for sure! And in the mean time, you're not getting paid until you fix it."

"Mr. Bright, enemy tanks are advancing on our position!" One of the radar operators said.

"Dammit, prepare for a full retreat!" Reed ordered.

"Shut up and let me do the commanding here!" Bright said. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Kai and Sayla, get to the gun turrets."

They got there as fast as they could, Kai because he didn't want to give Bright another reason to be angry with him, and Sayla because she wanted to do more than feel useful.

"So I just push this button right?" Sayla asked, relieving the previous gunner, who was injured.

"Yes, just like that." Kai fired, hitting and destroying a Magella tank, but When Sayla pushed the button, nothing happened.

"Um, I think I broke it."

"Amuro, get to the Gundam!" Bright ordered. "You might actually be the most useful soldier out of all of them. Ryu, launch in the core fighter, see if you can distract the enemy planes and try not to get yourself killed. That's an expensive plane you're flying."

"Oh no, they've launched a fighter plane!" One of the Gaw pilots said frantically. "Get the Dopps out of the sky!"

"Why? I mean, there's only one plane, there's no reason to panic. It can't be that dangerous." Char said, having taken over control of the battle from Garma, who was useless as long as he was on an airplane. Char had managed to calm his friend down though, by giving Garma a piece of fake grass. Garma was still on the floor, hugging and kissing the fake grass he had laid over the deck.

"Commander Char, I think we should listen to him." Dren said. "From what I understand the Dopps aren't good in an actual battle."

"Sir, we just lost five Dopps." One of the pilots informed Char.

"Seriously?" Char asked. "How did we just lose five planes to one plane in twelve seconds?"

"Like I told Lieutenant Dren, they are really bad planes."

"Sir, we just lost another three Dopps to friendly fire! And a fourth just… fell apart in the launch bay."

"We really have to stop using those things." Char said. "Prepare to deploy the Zakus, I know those things work."

"Haha, now that I'll have Gundam and my magic book with me, it's time for Amuro to save the day again!" Amuro said, skipping towards the Gundam and right past Frau, who looked on worriedly.

"Yeah, I think there's something wrong with him too Haro. I just hope he takes a bath every now and then, so he won't smell."

"Sir, the Zakus have been launched, but the Trojan Horse has launched a mobile suit as well!"

"Is it big and tall, with white limbs?" Char asked, wincing.

"Yes sir, is it the same one you fought in space?"

"Yes it is." Char said. "Well, this was a good try, but we'd better pack it in and go home."

"Home?" Garma suddenly piped in. "As in, home on the ground? That sounds like a great idea, Char! When can we go home?"

The Gaw pilots chose to ignore Garma for now. "But sir, we've still got three Zakus, a dozen tanks, and fifteen… make that thirteen Dopps out there, how can we lose with those numbers?"

Char studied the pilot carefully. "Have you seen the show at all?"

"So let's see…" Amuro said, one hand on the Gundam controls and the other holding the book. "I'll dodge this guy over here, then I'll shoot that plane before it kills Ryu."

"Thanks Amuro!" Ryu said after Amuro shot the Dopp.

Amuro ignored him. "Okay then, maybe I'll spice it up! Dodge this guy, do a little spin, then kick this tank into the other tank." Amuro looked further down the enemy line. "Whoops, Zaku time!" He chortled. "I'll just block his useless machine gun with my shield, then take him down with one shot!"

"Damn that guy is good!" Said Disposable Henchman #19, piloting one of the two remaining Zakus.

"He killed all of those tanks and planes without even getting hit!" Disposable Henchman #20 said, from the other Zaku. "He even took out Lineless Pilot #2!"

"Hmm, let's retreat and get to a better firing position."

"How about we just retreat altogether? I can't really see us beating this guy."

"We can't, the Gaw is already retreating."

"Hmm, I don't really get this next part." Amuro said to himself, flipping through the book. "It says that '_Tired out from constant battling, Amuro is having trouble, taking multiple hits from the Dopps and Magellas, but after a moment of lost confidence, he snaps and goes ballistic, dropping his gun and shield and charging straight at the Zeon lines._' But I'm not having any trouble, the Dopps aren't even close to hitting me, and I certainly don't feel a rush of adrenaline coming on. And then it goes on to say that I maul the remaining Zeon forces with my beam saber. But I still have this gun, so I'm just going to use that."

Amuro used his still working beam rifle and fired, destroying the two other Zakus. The remaining tanks and Dopps promptly retreated, trying to catch up to the already retreating Gaw.

"See, I told you we were going to lose." Char said. "Begin recovery of our remaining troops, and then get them ready to try this again tomorrow. But next time, make sure you don't gas up the Dopps, it's kind of a waste."

"But sir, if we had backed our troops up with the Gaw, maybe we could have won." Dren said.

Char turned around. "You mean this thing has guns?" Char asked incredulously, genuinely surprised at this revelation.

"Yes, Commander Char, its arsenal is quite potent."

"Dammit Dren, why didn't you tell me that before?"

"I did." Dren stated. "I guess nobody heard it over the sound of Garma's screaming."

"Yeah, we'll go with that." Char said. Then, the Gaw shook slightly, as if they had taken a hit. Char looked around for an explanation, finding that all of the Gaw crewmen were avoiding his eyes.

"One of the Dopps just crashed into the Gaw, didn't it?"

"Yes sir." One of the pilots said woefully.

"Really bad planes." Another reminded.

"Yay, we're going back to the ground!" Garma said, standing up and twirling around in happiness. Before anyone could stop him, he was at the window again.

"Holy… we're really far up." Garma said, the color starting to drain from his face. "I think I'm gonna be sick… BLEARGH!" Garma threw up all over the deck on the Gaw.

One of the pilots picked up a red telephone on the dashboard. "Yeah, it's me. Yeah, yeah he threw up again." He said. "You'd better get up here, it's starting to smell."

"That turned out very well." Reed said. "It's a good thing I was in command, without me you all would have been screwed."

Bright looked back at Reed, fuming again. However, instead of some immediately launching some kind of immature tirade, he calmly walked over to Kikka, who was playing 'Bakery' with Frau. He calmly strode up to the two of them, put his fingers on his lips to tell them to be quiet, then opened the easy-bake oven and took out the pie they had been making. As Frau covered Kikka's eyes with her hand, Bright again calmly walked back over to Lieutenant Reed, who had been watching Bright worriedly the entire time.

Bright shot another angry glare at Reed, then started smashing his face with the pie. "That was my line, imbecile!" He yelled, continuously smashing the pie in Reed's face.

When he was done, and Reed was unconscious in addition to his broken arm, Bright tasted the pie on a whim. He seemed surprised for a second, then turned to Frau and Kikka. Frau got ready to run in case Bright was unhappy, fearful for her meager salary, all of which was going towards seven new pairs of shoes.

"Frau, Kikka." Bright began, regarding them with a passive face. "This is good pie, be sure to make me another."

"Oh, it's another win for Amurooooo!" Amuro sang loudly as he leapt out of the Gundam cockpit, ready to meet his victory crowd. However much to his chagrin the only person there was Sayla, as the rest of the crew were enjoying the pie, which Bright had shared in an odd display of camaraderie.

"Where's everyone else?" Amuro asked, very disappointed.

"There up having pie with Mr. Bright." Sayla stated disdainfully.

"What?" Amuro asked, not believing it. "Did Bright poison the pie?"

"No, it was just really good pie, and Bright decided to share it for some reason."

Amuro was still confused. "Then why aren't you up there eating pie too?"

"Mr. Bright said I couldn't have pie because I broke one of the ship's cannons." Sayla said, frowning and looking at her feet. "They're all up there, singing and dancing, and… eating good pie. But that's okay, because its blueberry pie and I don't like blueberries."

"Huh." Amuro said, calculating his next move. "Is there any pie for me?"

"Yes, Mr. Bright told me to come down here and tell you that he was saving a piece for you." Sayla said sadly, after which she realized that if she had not told Amuro about the pie, she could have had some.

"Awesome!" Amuro said, pumping his fist up in the air. "Pie with Bright, I'm really moving up in this world! See you later Sayla!" Amuro skipped off, not even bothering to change out of his flight suit before going up to join Bright and the others for pie.

"I wish I could have had some pie." Sayla said dejectedly, starting to walk back to her room slowly.

"Hey Sayla!" Amuro called back, poking his head around the corner to see Sayla still there.

"Yes!" Sayla said excitedly, thinking that Amuro had come back to spend time with her instead of with Bright.

"Which elevator will take me to the bridge the fastest?" Amuro said. "I don't want to keep Bright or my pie waiting!"

Sayla looked back towards her feet again, the smile instantly dropping from her face. "It's the one on the left." She said, then started back towards her room.

"So, how much did we lose?" Char said, back at the Zeon base in the area. Garma was much better now, but was currently outside trying to hug the ground, finding it difficult to get his arms around it.

"Let's see." Dren said, looking at the casualty portion of the battle report. "Three Zakus, fourteen tanks, thirty five Dopps, that big dent in the side of the Gaw, and the two guys who fell off the Gaw while we were flying. Oh, and Captain Garma's sanity, we lost that too."

"Not bad, all things considering." Char said. "But we got Garma's sanity back, and I guess we made the Trojan Horse use up a lot of ammunition."

"Wait a minute." Dren said, looking back at the battle report. "How did we lose thirty five Dopps, we only launched twenty eight of them! How did we lose seven more Dopps then we even launched?"

Char looked back, as utterly perplexed as Dren. "Well I guess they are… really bad planes." He said, then strode over to Garma. "Come on, pick yourself up. We need to work out our next plan of attack."

Garma reluctantly stood up and tried to get the dirt off of himself. "Yes, we must plan. I'm not worried, with the combined power of both our plan making skills, we're sure to defeat the Trojan Horse and their mysterious mobile suit!" Garma said, totally confident now that he was back on the ground and not in imminent danger.

"Yes, but that may not be enough." Char said, thinking. "We're going to need a great plan, a crazy plan. We're going to need…" Char trailed off; starting to remember something he shouldn't have forgotten.

"Wait a minute, I totally forgot about Crown!" Char said suddenly, also forgetting that Crown was dead. "We need to go pick him up!"

Next Time, on the Gundam Universe Project:

Episode 7: The Core Fighter's Mistake


	7. Episode 7: The Core Fighter's Mistake

Well, here we are, 2010AD. Or, you can use Ye Olde English and say it as "The Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Ten, according to the Gregorian Calendar." Anyway, welcome to the 2010 version of the Gundam Universe Project, which is exactly the same as the 2009 version, except this month's chapters will be posted on odd-numbered days.

Last Time on the Gundam Universe Project: Garma tried to destroy the White Base, but ended up puking on the floor instead. Mechanical errors on both sides were experienced, with the Guntank failing completely, and the Dopps proving to be just as useless as they look.

Episode 7: The Core Fighter's Mistake

In the skies above what we think is supposed to be the North American continent, but is never really explained, the White Base is cruising at a relatively high altitude, probably because it would be more expensive to do a landscape. A strange looking Zeon aircraft with two radar dishes extended high above its body was slowly following it, tracking the giant white ship's every move.

But try as it might, the Zeon aircraft could not see inside the White Base, because it is not equipped with x-ray vision. It's also not an option, because it hasn't been invented yet. If you've heard of M'Quve, he's the one the Zabis have working on it.

Anyway, the civilians on the White Base are unhappy about something. We're not very sure where these civilians came from, because there seems to be a different group of civilians every episode. Well, one of them in a hospital bed is probably unhappy about the massive head wound he got in the last battle. Another one is probably hungry and is complaining about Ryu's size. Yet another one is bothered that he was only contained in a still shot with the Haro. Another civilian is angry that the wardrobe people dressed him in a turtleneck.

"Hey, stop talking about us without letting us speak!" The Turtleneck Guy said, trying to get anyone's attention. "We have some very legitimate concerns over here."

We'd listen to him too, but we're out of time for that segment, and have to go up to the bridge.

First of all, before we get into anything that's actually supposed to be funny, if you ever watch this episode again, around 3:25 into the episode, you can watch Lieutenant Reed use the same animation of shifting his leg and sipping his coffee three times in a row. Then he looks to the side and then repeats the same animation a fourth time.

"You having fun with that coffee, Lieutenant?" Bright asked, watching Reed sip the drink.

"Yes, Mr. Bright." Reed said, shifting his leg and taking another sip. "It's actually quite good, considering the ship is fairly low on supplies."

"Yeah, it's one of those kids that brewed it. I don't really understand how a seven year old knows how to make coffee without any ingredients, but that kid Katz can really make a good cup."

"There isn't any coffee on this ship?" Reed asked, alarmed. "How do you expect to do anything without coffee?"

"Remember, we got supplies at Luna II." Bright began. "And coffee costs money. Space coffee, which is what they had at Luna II, costs even more."

"Excuse me; we're trying to do complex math over here!" Mirai complained from over on the side of the bridge, where she, Amuro, and an injured officer were indeed trying to do complex math.

"Oh, I didn't even see you over there." Bright said. "I just assumed you hadn't shown up for work and that I could take a day off your paycheck." Reed could hear Bright utter a barely audible "crap" after he finished.

"So what are you doing the math for?" Reed asked.

"We're trying to get a core fighter on an escape velocity, so it can get into space and contact Federation headquarters." Mirai said.

Bright frowned. "Whose idea was that?" He asked. "I don't really see any reason to contact headquarters; I think we're doing fine. Plus, the phone calls would be long distance, and those have extra charges."

"It was Amuro's idea." Mirai said, beaming. "He came up with it all by himself!"

"And that's great." Bright deadpanned. "Was he going to… ask my permission to do all of this, or was he just going to do it without the ship's captain?"

"He wanted to tell you." Mirai insisted. "But you were chasing Katz around all morning, trying to get him to make you enough coffee so you could sell it on the internet."

"And how much money did I gain in that transaction?" Bright said, waiting to be proven right.

"You didn't make any money, Mr. Bright. You can't ship anything to anyone, we're in enemy territory!" Mirai said, getting tired of Bright's greedy tendencies.

"Of course I can ship things!" Bright said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the Earth Sphere. "I use the ZPS, Zeon Postal Service."

"That's the enemy's postal system!" Mirai yelled, probably for the first time.

"So?" Bright countered. "Mail services know no allegiances. It's just like that quote: 'All's fair in love and war, but the mail will go free.'"

"No it won't! It'll get intercepted by the enemy!" Mirai continued. "What did you put as a return address?"

"Easy," Bright began. "All I did was put 'White Base' and then our GPS coordinates…" Bright trailed off as he was finishing, his eyes flashing with a sudden realization. "Ooh. I think I may have figured out what was wrong with that."

"You think! You just gave away our position, you moron!" Mirai rambled. "It's utterly amazing what the prospect of profit does to you! We've just had to go through this entire role-reversal thing just because you tried to make money off of a child!"

"What do you think they're arguing about?" Asked Injured Officer #3, the one going over the core fighter escape plan with Amuro.

"Probably, no, definitely something stupid." Amuro said. "So how are we going to make this thing work? We'll just use the power from the main engine's steam valve to power one of the catapults right?"

"Steam?" Kai joked, confident that Bright was too embroiled in his own conversations to notice that he was still there. "Why would you think steam would work?"

"Because…" Amuro stuttered. "Because I've… done it before. Yeah, we'll go with that."

"Amuro, this is a spaceship. From the future. We don't use steam anymore."

"Well, how do you know that Kai?"

"Spaceship." Kai said plainly. "With emphasis on space. And ship."

"He's actually right." Injured Officer #3 said. "This ship does not have any steam valves. We could just use electricity and overcharge the catapult, which could give you enough energy."

"Really, that could get me into space?"

"Yeah." Injured Officer #3 said. "That or it'll explode."

"Well, I'm very confident that it won't explode." Amuro said. "So, let's start making the modifications."

"Shouldn't we wait for Mr. Bright?" Kai said, anxious about possibly having to talk to the man.

"No." Amuro said, looking over to where Mirai and Bright were still arguing. "They're not going to be done for a while."

"Hey guys, come down here quickly!" Ryu said, panicking over the communications line. "The civilians are rioting! They're trying to eat me!"

Frau, Sayla, and Hayato ran off to save Ryu from becoming dinner, just as Mirai was beginning to calm herself down. "So who bought the coffee?" She asked.

"This is good coffee Char!" Garma said, at the Zeon base where the Gaw was being resupplied. "How did you make it so fast?"

"I saw that you guys were out, so I ordered some on the internet." Char said, sipping from a cup of his own.

"No, I mean, how did you make that much coffee from the beans that fast?" Garma said. "This is a lot of coffee." Garma pointed at the swimming pool sized tank that the coffee had come from.

"Oh. You see, I didn't order the coffee beans, I ordered coffee." Char said. "It came already brewed, the final product in its fantastically liquid form."

"Wow, I did not know you could order liquid coffee on the internet. And it was hot when it got here too!"

"Yep, a fresh brew." Char said, as he and Garma took another large gulp of the coffee.

"Damn this is so good!" Garma said. "Where did you get this stuff?"

"Some place called the White Base." Char offered. "I've never heard of it before."

"So, this work isn't going to make you guys go into overtime, will it?" Bright asked the mechanics in the engineering section, after telling them how Amuro intended to launch a core fighter into space.

"No sir, all we have to do is flip a switch."

"Now you're sure?" Bright asked. "Because last time, you weren't sure, and I had to pay you more for your time."

"Yes sir, we're sure." The engineering crewman sighed, not pointing out to Bright that their last paycheck had not even cleared yet.

"Alright then." Bright said. "Amuro, get ready to go. But eat something first. Something light, cheap, and easy to replace. Something like… Sayla's sandwich."

"You don't think she'll mind?" Amuro asked. Bright just stared at him. "Okay, I'll eat it!"

As Amuro finished Sayla's sandwich, Hayato burst through the entrance to the bridge with Sayla and Ryu close behind. He struck a pose after he entered, twisting his tiny body to face Bright while pointing back towards the door. Seriously, watch this episode again, it's really funny.

"Hayato, now is not the time for another dance number." Bright said. "I know you enjoyed that one we did between the episodes, but we can't make a habit out of it."

"No sir, the civilians are rebelling!" Hayato said, keeping the pose.

"With what?" Bright pondered. "They don't have any weapons. Unless…"

Bright sprang forward and grabbed Hayato by the shoulders. "Did they find one of my secret cash stashes?" Bright started shaking Hayato roughly. "Did they?"

"Mr. Bright, stop shaking him!" Mirai said. "You're going to hurt him!"

Bright looked back at her. "I am going to hurt him if those people hurt my precious money!"

"Sir, all they did was take the children hostage." Ryu said.

Bright looked over at Ryu, then stopped shaking Hayato. "Oh, okay then."

"And Frau offered herself as a hostage so she could watch over the children!" Hayato said.

"Yeah, I care even less about that somehow." Bright responded.

Sayla let out a loud gasp. "Who ate my sandwich?" She said sadly, as Bright sniggered in the background.

"Alright, I'm going now." Amuro said, heading for the exit. "Just be prepared to help me out if there are any complications with the plan. Like, if someone starts chasing me. Or my plane explodes."

"Amuro, you're not worried?" Hayato said. "Didn't you hear that Frau was taken as a hostage?"

"Yeah, I heard about that." Amuro said. "I was right over there when you told us all. I'm pretty sure that you guys will handle it just fine."

As Amuro was leaving the bridge, he passed by Kai, who had forgotten that everybody hates him. "Hey, watch out for enemy fire Amuro, we wouldn't want you to get shot down just as you get out of White Base." Kai said sarcastically, his lazy attitude predictably angering Amuro.

"I've had enough of your crap!" Amuro said. "It was better when you were afraid of everyone and didn't talk, and I could stay here and chew you out, but I've got a better idea. Sayla, Kai ate your sandwich. And he said it tasted bad." Amuro left the bridge as Kai turned around to see Sayla coming at him with a pair of scissors.

"We should really get some more of this." Garma said, now on his sixth cup of the delicious coffee.

"We should get more of this." Char repeated, placing emphasis on the 'should' as he spoke. "In fact, I even know how."

"Order some more on the internet?"

"No, I've got a better idea. The package came with GPS coordinates as a return address; we'll just go right to the source and avoid the shipping fees!"

"I like your thinking Char." Garma said as Char ran off to find the immense packaging. "Its men like him that are going to win us this war." Garma remarked.

"Alright Amuro, get ready to launch." Mirai said, ignoring the screams of pain Kai was emitting on the other side of the bridge.

The ship turned towards the sky, giving Amuro the best angle for his flight. A few moments later, the supercharged catapult launched Amuro into the sky.

"That's not even that far from here!" Char remarked excitedly, having looked up the coordinates of the coffee package's return address. "We could be there and back in about twenty minutes!"

"Well let's go Char!" Garma said. "We'll take the Gaw! Fill it up only halfway with gas, and we'll use the rest of the fuel tanks to store all of the coffee we're going to buy!"

"Hmm," Char thought. "On second thought, you'd better stay here Garma." Char said, remembering all of the puke he had to have Dren clean off his boots from Garma's last trip in an airplane.

"Why?" Garma pouted. "Why can't I go with you Char?"

"Because," Char tried to think of a good reason, a good enough reason to convince Garma without informing him that the Gaw was an airplane. "I need someone to look after Dren." Char finally came up with. "You see, without me, Dren just goes to pieces."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you should have seen the last time I went on an adventure without him! He almost got my Musai destroyed trying to help me out!"

"Okay!" Garma said, excited again. "I'll look after Dren for you. You, go get us that coffee!"

Up in the air, Amuro was feeling extra confident. He had read the entire transcript of the upcoming battle three times, and didn't think there was any way he could lose.

"Hmm, I think I'll even have time for a little nap." Amuro said, starting to doze off as the core fighter climbed towards space.

Meanwhile, the remaining White Base characters crowded into the place where the civilians were holed up, all holding their weapons of choice. Bright had his right hand raised, Hayato was in his judo outfit that was several sizes too big, Ryu was holding a leg of lamb against his shoulder like a baseball bat, Mirai was holding a sign that said 'Keep the Peace,' Sayla had brought her imaginary dinosaur bodyguard, and Kai?

Kai's weapon of choice was his fear, currently of Sayla.

"Look Mr. Bright, we don't want to hurt anybody." Turtleneck Man said, noticing the threatening look on Bright's face. "We just want to know what's going on here."

"So then you didn't need to take any hostages, did you?" Bright accused, checking his watch. "Let's make this quick, I really need to get back to my stock portfolio." He muttered under his breath.

"Yes we did need to take hostages!" Turtleneck Man said, clearly the leader of the group. "If we didn't do something drastic, you just would have ignored us. You main characters are always ignoring us peripheral characters, you spend all of your time up on that bridge, fighting, yelling, and eating pie! I could go on."

"Hey Bright." Mirai whispered. "Why don't we lower our weapons as a sign of goodwill?"

"No, I don't think I will. I still don't know whether or not they've found my stash." Bright said back. "And didn't I ban whispering on this ship after what happened at Luna II?"

"We all assumed you were joking." Sayla said.

"Well I wasn't, so no more whispering!" Bright yelled. "But fine Mirai, we'll try out your dumb idea. Everybody, holster your weapons." Bright lowered his hand, Hayato ripped off his judo outfit to reveal his regular uniform underneath, Ryu began eating the meat off the leg of lamb, Mirai went back up to the bridge, Sayla stood there doing nothing, and Kai ran away, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"It's just that…" Turtleneck Man paused. "We all want to get off this ship! We were all forced to leave Earth, and now we've just gotten a free ticket back to it. You have to let us off Mr. Bright; you have to let us off!"

"Oh don't you worry about that!" Bright laughed. "I'm just as eager to get you off this ship as you are. I mean if I was in a really bad mood, I would have just detached this section of the ship and let you all fall to your deaths! But Frau is the only one who knows how to tie a bandage around here, so unfortunately I need her."

"Yes, yes that's the spirit!" Turtleneck Man said. "So, when are you going to kick us off the ship?"

"Just as soon as I can." Bright said. He would have said more, but he was cut off by the sound of Mirai's voice over the intercom.

"Mr. Bright, Bright come quickly!" Mirai said frantically. "We've got a big problem up here!"

Bright hit the button on the intercom that would allow him to respond. "What is it Mirai? You've interrupted a perfectly good scene!"

"We've lost contact with Amuro!" Mirai said.

"He's probably just taking a nap!" Bright said. "Now can you let me get back to this?"

"There's also a Gaw attack carrier headed straight for us!" Mirai continued.

"Why the heck didn't you lead with that? You people are useless!" Bright yelled, starting off at a sprint towards the bridge.

On the Gaw, which Char had re-christened _Cuppa Joe's Mojo_, the crew were anxiously looking around for the White Base.

"I don't see anything on the ground over here, Commander Char." A crewman said.

"Nothing over here either, sir."

"It doesn't make any sense." Char said, eying the ground as well. "How could they hide a massive white factory from us?" Char then looked up, in front of the Gaw rather than below it.

"Gah! It's the Trojan Horse!" Char said, genuinely surprised that it was there. "They must have destroyed the White Base and stolen all of that coffee! Prepare for battle, ready the gun turrets and launch the Zakus, we cannot let them get away with this!"

"Umm, sir." One of the _Mojo's_ pilots tapped Char on the shoulder. "We don't have any Zakus."

"What?" Char asked. "Why not?"

"In our haste to get the plane ready for takeoff, we even forgot to load your Zaku onto the plane."

"Dammit, what do we have?" Char asked. "Wait a minute, don't tell me…"

"We have Dopps, sir."

"Crap." Char said, frowning at his lack of offensive options. "Alright, just launch the stupid Dopps, how bad can they really be?"

"Sir, we just lost a Dopp."

"How could a single… We didn't even get them ready to launch yet!"

"Really bad pla…" One of the pilots started, but Char cut him off.

"Don't remind me!"

The White Base shook as Mirai tried to avoid the beam blasts coming from the Gaw.

"Get Amuro back; we need him to save us!" Kai screeched.

"We can't reach him on the communication machine; he must be out of range."

"We're all gonna die, we're all gonna die!" Kai screamed, trying to find someplace to hide, but ending up standing right in front of the window.

"Alright." Bright said angrily, walking over to Kai. "I've had enough of this from you. You have to pick, right now. Do you want to be a wisecracking, sarcastic pessimist who is hated by everyone, or a whining little crybaby who is also hated by everyone, and me especially?"

Kai stood there, frozen in shock, unable to decide.

"I see you've made up your mind then…" Bright said, raising his hand. His right hand to be exact.

"Did anybody hear that?" Char asked on the _Mojo_.

"No sir, I didn't hear anything except the sounds of those Dopps bursting into puny fireballs. Even the explosions are unimpressive."

"I was sure I heard some kind of loud scream, and then glass breaking." Char said. "And then I was sure I saw a blue object fly out of the bridge of the Trojan Horse."

"Nope, didn't see anything like that."

"Well, must have been my imagination then." Char said. "Continue the attack!"

Now in the uppermost parts of the atmosphere, Amuro finally woke up. He yawned and stretched, then looked around.

"Where's the Komusai?" He asked no one. "There was supposed to be one shooting at me when I woke up." Amuro then looked at the time.

"Oh crap, it's too late! The Komusai must have missed me, that means the White Base is under attack!" Amuro turned the plane around and headed back towards the White Base, neglecting to respond to the communication request from Earth Federation command.

"Sir, we're running out of Dopps." One of the _Mojo's_ pilots said.

"Well, let's be realistic here." Char said. "We all expected that to happen, it was just a matter of time. At least we still have gas in the plane though. Eventually we'll hit them with these big cannons right? Dren told me they're very deadly."

"Sir, we're running out of gas too."

"Nonsense, we gassed this thing up to full at the base!"

"Yes, and while that is true, you had us remove most of that gas so we could use the fuel tanks as coffee storage."

"Right." Char said. "We'd probably better leave then."

By the time Amuro got back to the White Base, the _Cuppa Joe's Mojo_ had already made its hasty retreat and to Amuro's disappointment, no one needed him to save them. After getting jeered at by the crew and fined for tardiness by Bright, Amuro sulked back to his room. Once the door was closed he started hugging the book, shaking and crying.

"Why can't you always be right?" Amuro cried, asking the inanimate object. "I'd be so good at this if everything happened like it was supposed to!"

"Because that," A disembodied voce said from behind him. "Is not your destiny, Amuro Ray."

Amuro turned around to see the faint outline of a giraffe.

"Hey, I've got a crazy idea for next time." Char said, now on his way back to the Zeon base and talking with Garma. "How about instead of using the Dopps to launch missiles, we launch the Dopps _as_ missiles?"

"But Char, we'll lose the pilots if we do that!" Garma countered. "It would literally be a suicide attack!"

Char stared at the screen incredulously. "You actually make people fly those things?"

"Well, yeah." Garma said. "How else would we do it?"

"I don't know!" Char said indignantly. "I just assumed that you flew them with remote controls or something. Asking people to fly those things is just like a death sentence, only faster!"

"Regardless, we're going to need a better plan to destroy the Trojan Horse."

"Yes, what they've done is unforgivable. We're going to need…"

"More Gaws?" Garma offered, hoping Char would take to the idea. "Maybe a Land Gaw?"

"A death ray."

Next Time, on the Gundam Universe Project:

Episode 8: The Habanero Hindenburg


	8. Episode 8: The Habanero Hindenburg

Four days have gone past, so the dozen of you that consistently read this must know what that means! It's time for another piece of the Gundam Universe Project! This episode is dedicated to all of you people who read us. Your lovely traffic figures keep our keyboards alive, so be sure to enjoy this extra special, over 6,000 word chapter, our longest yet!

Last time, on the Gundam Universe Project: Failed plans all around prevented anything from getting done, but with Char about to complete his death ray, the White Base could be in trouble. Will they get out of it this time?

Episode 8: The Habanero Hindenburg

"And now it is complete." Char said, marveling at his latest creation.

"Our greatest weapon." Garma echoed.

Dren walked in, holding a box full of sandwiches for the work crew. "Wow, you guys actually built something in fourteen hours and thirty three minutes." Dren began distributing the food to the exhausted Zeon soldiers who had physically constructed the massive cannon.

"Dren, we didn't just build _something_, we built a death ray!" Char said.

"Yeah, right." Dren said, his voice filled with disbelief. "Now that we've gone and done that, can we get back to the plan to destroy the Trojan Horse? We really should get to doing that."

"No, you don't get it Dren, that's what we built the death ray for!" Char said enthusiastically. "With it, we can finally destroy the Trojan Horse!"

"And what does it do?" Dren said, taking one of the sandwiches for himself and biting into it.

"First of all, can I have one of those sandwiches?" Garma asked, eying the meal everyone else was enjoying.

"Garma, this is your base." Dren said. "All of these soldiers work for you. You don't need to ask me for a sandwich, you just tell me to get you one."

"Really?" Garma asked, confused. "That's how this whole 'Commander' thing works?"

"Yep, it's pretty great." Char said, taking his own food out of the box. "That's why I ordered a Breakfast Burrito instead of a sandwich."

"Even though the nearest Mexican food place was… well in Mexico." Dren muttered. "But seriously, what does this thing do?" Dren said, pointing at the 'death ray' with his sandwich free hand.

"It fires…" Char trailed off. "Death, I suppose."

"Oh, and what does it use as a power source?" Dren asked, now completely sure that what Char and Garma had built was a 'death ray' and not a real death ray.

"We built it to be powered by hot chili peppers." Garma said, now thoroughly enjoying his sandwich.

Dren almost spit out the food in his mouth as soon as he heard Garma's description. "You built a cannon that's powered by chili peppers?" He asked, stunned.

"That's what he just said Dren, there's no need to repeat it." Char chastised. "Its power source is forty thousand habanero peppers. The concentrated spiciness should either melt or destroy the Trojan Horse and that new mobile suit."

"Then we can get our revenge for what they did to the White Base." Garma added.

Dren sighed, then ate the last of his sandwich. "So how do you plan on getting this giant thing anywhere near the Trojan Horse, not to mention its comparatively large fuel supply?"

"Easy." Garma said, finishing his sandwich as well. "We're going to just load it onto a Gaw. We've renamed it the _Habanero Hindenburg_."

"Although it would be cool if we could mount it onto a Musai." Char added.

"Nobody has any problem with naming something after an exploding blimp?" Dren asked, relatively sure of the answer he would get. "And it was really Garma's idea to load the thing onto a Gaw?"

"No, I don't see any problem with the name." Char said.

"Yeah, it was totally my idea to load it onto a Gaw!"Garma said.

"Don't you remember what those things are, and why you might have a problem with them?" Dren asked. Garma and Char just stared at him, completely oblivious to what they had done.

"Never mind." Dren said, taking out another sandwich. "This is not going to end well."

"Pull up, you dumb (censored)!" Bright cursed. "You're going to crash into another mountain!"

"I'm trying to avoid them!" Mirai shot back.

"No you're not." Bright said. "You're flying right at them!"

"But it's really hard." Mirai complained, swerving to avoid another in the seemingly endless mountain chain before them.

"Well then let the computer take over!" Bright yelled. "You're going to scratch the paint! And I have to pay for the paint, that's out of pocket expenses!"

Mirai thought quickly, trying to think of a reason for her to stay at the helm of the ship, even though she clearly was not qualified to fly it. "What are you going to do to the computer if it screws up? You can't deduct its salary, and you can't destroy it either or else the ship won't work at all." Mirai said, preying on Bright's insatiable greed.

Bright thought for about two and a half seconds before coming up with his answer. "Good point Mirai, you stay at the helm. Now, every time you hit a mountain, one hundred bucks come out of your paycheck and goes into mine." Bright said, smiling for once. It was creepy.

"Man, I need to get the heck off of this ship." Reed said, becoming increasingly more worried every time something like this happened.

As the White Base shaved the top off the next mountain, the whole ship shuddered from the impact, sending everyone scrambling for something to hold on to. Even over Bright's massive victory cry, Amuro could hear a baby crying in the next room.

"Waaaah! Waaaah!" The little boy cried inside the room.

"Shh!" the mother tried to silence the child. "Stop crying, you know what'll happen if Mr. Bright sees you crying!"

Over the few days that all of them had been on the White base, Bright had taken time out of his day to erect a number of instructional signs all over the White Base. While a few of the signs contained useful information, like where the bathrooms were located, the vast majority of them were thinly veiled threats to discourage crewmembers and civilians from engaging in certain activities. The most commonly posted sign was 'No Gambling, Legal or Otherwise, Without Contacting Me,' and then underneath it was a picture of Bright chopping someone's hand off with a chainsaw. Another famous one was in the mess hall, consisting of a picture of Ryu, with a red 'X' across him. Below it, it read 'Do Not Feed. Punishments include, but are not limited to: See Bright for Details.'

The sign the mother was talking about was a particularly gruesome one that read 'No Crying,' followed by a picture of Bright holding a baby's head in one hand and the rest of the body in the other. Underneath that picture was another caption that read 'And That Goes for You Too Kai,' the accompanying picture being the same as the other one, just with Kai's head and body instead of a baby.

Recognizing the danger, and knowing that sound carries very well whenever one of Bright's rules are broken, Amuro and Frau charged into the room with the mother and child, just as anxious as she was to calm the baby down.

"Shh, the big bad man in the grey coat is going to hear you!" Amuro tried, trying to simplify Bright in a way the child could understand. Frau came up with a simpler solution.

"Here, have a lollipop." Frau offered, giving the child a sugary treat to plug his mouth. It worked, and soon the child had forgotten about crying, instead becoming solely occupied with the lollipop.

"Oh thank you so much." The mother said, breathing a sigh of relief. "I don't know what I would have done if Mr. Bright had heard him crying. My little baby already has three strikes against him, one more and we get cut off from food rations for three days!"

"What were they?" Frau asked. She herself was not yet aware to the full extent of Bright's dictatorial rule system, and took every chance she could get to discover new ones.

"Well, Coley isn't potty-trained, and Mr. Bright is pretty big on that. He's also allergic to cheesecake, which Mr. Bright considers a cardinal sin. And finally, Coley is not the same blood type as Mr. Bright, meaning that in an emergency, Coley cannot give Mr. Bright a blood transfusion."

Frau put away her notebook. "Alright, well I already knew about two of those." She said. "The cheesecake one is new for me though."

"There always seem to be more of those signs every time I walk through the hallways." The mother remarked. "It's why I want to get off this ship so badly, eventually that man is going to kill all of us."

Confident that the mother was okay now, Amuro and Frau walked towards the exit to the room and back to what they were doing before.

"Do you think all mothers are as caring as she is Frau?" Amuro said, remembering a line he had read in the book for this chapter.

"I don't know." Frau shrugged. "I guess you haven't seen your mother in a long time, have you?"

"No, I haven't." Amuro said, beginning to walk away.

Frau continued. "Well, I haven't seen mine either. Because she died!" She snapped, yelling at Amuro as he walked away.

"Amuro!" Bright yelled from the bridge, forgoing the intercom in favor of yelling very loudly. "Get your butt up here, right now!"

"Amuro, Bright is calling you." The Haro said, stating the obvious and annoyance being it's only functions.

"Yeah, I figured that out myself Haro."

The ship shook again from another scrape with a mountain.

"Go on, get a little closer," Bright urged, egging Mirai on. "See how close you can get before you…" The ship shook again as they hit yet another mountain. "Aww, you hit it! Looks like another hundred dollars for me!"

"Pull up; you're going to get us killed!" Reed yelled.

"Why should I tell her to pull up?" Bright asked. "I'm gonna be rich!"

Far above the White Base a formation of Dopps were pursuing and tracking the White Base. Since they weren't being shot at, the Dopps were fine as of now, and were relaying information on the Federation ship's position to Captain Garma.

"Captain Garma, the Trojan Horse appears to be trying to cross the mountain range." One of the pilots reported.

"Don't lose sight of them." Garma said from the bridge of the _Hindenburg_. "Once you meet up with the other incoming Gaws and the Magella attack tanks, we will commence the assault on their ship."

"Garma," Char said, drawing the man's attention from the screen back to him. "Why do you think the Trojan Horse is flying as low as that?"

"Hmm. My guess is to hide from radar." Garma said, playing with a strand of his hair. "Or, as I would call it, Garmadar."

"That's not it." Dren said, ignoring Garma. "They're setting up an interference field using Minovsky Particles and the land contours."

"Will we even be able to see them with that much interference?" Garma continued.

"I still can't believe you guys brought that stupid 'death ray' along with us." Dren added. "It's not going to work."

"Our only chance will be to ambush them in a place where we can lock on with our weapon." Char said, ignoring Dren.

"My guess is that they'll set up an ambush over there, at that lakebed downstream." Bright said. "There will be nowhere for us to escape to there; we'd have to push right through them. However, our track record on doing that is pretty good, so I think we'll be fine." Bright paused. "Although, we'd have to rely on Amuro again, and you know how much I hate doing that."

"So then, if Amuro's all you need, you don't need me… I mean us right?" Kai said delicately.

"No, I guess not." Bright said grudgingly.

"Does that mean I can go back to my room?" Kai asked.

"No Kai, you have to stay here. If something bad happens, you're my fall guy."

As Kai grumbled off in the corner so Bright wouldn't hear him, Frau arrived on the bridge with the civilians close behind her. As expected, it was a whole different group from last time, except for Turtleneck Man! He's back, ready to amaze you all with his… not old-people sounding voice.

"Mr. Bright, these people would like to have a word with you." Frau said.

"We want you to leave us here instead of taking us with you." The mother from before said.

"Why?" Asked Sayla. "Everything is so great here, and we have all of my animal friends to play with. Nobody could see or hear it, but Sayla's imaginary dinosaur bodyguard grunted in approval.

"Yeah, don't you know we're in a war zone?" Ryu said, then contemplated his position. "Although there would be more food for me if they were gone…"

"Oh, I don't know about that, Ryu." Bright said. "Haven't you read the sign?"

"We just want to be let off on Earth." Turtleneck Man said. "We're concerned about the ship, and don't want to be near Mr. Brig… I mean be a burden to it anymore."

"Damn civilians." Reed muttered. "Can't you think of anyone but yourselves?"

"I think I may have a solution, Lieutenant Reed." Bright said, rubbing his chin.

"Bright, we can't kill them all." Reed said. "Or even a few of them."

"That wasn't going to be my suggestion!" Bright protested, looking around to see everyone glaring at him. "Okay, maybe it was, but I have a different, less homicidal solution in mind now."

"If it will get these whining civvies out of my hair, then let's hear it." Reed said.

"Alright." Bright began. "Let's load them into the cannons and…" Bright stopped himself when he saw that he did not have the crowd's approval. "Well, I suppose we can ask the Zeons for a ceasefire so we can drop off the civilians."

"Do you really think they'll fall for that?" Reed asked, not confident in the plan.

"Absolutely not." Bright said plainly. "But we can use offloading the civilians as a cover to launch a surprise attack and break through them."

"Now that sounds like something that might actually work!" Reed said.

"They're asking for a ceasefire?" Garma asked, confused. "What is that? Is it confusing, because I don't like confusing things."

"I don't know." Char said, equally as puzzled as Garma. "I've heard of regular fires, forest fires, and even grease fires, but never of a ceasefire."

"Seriously?" Dren asked, not feeling inclined to help either of them at the moment.

"They want a ceasefire so they can drop off civilians." Char repeated their request, shaking his head. "No, not even context clues are helping me out here."

"Well, whatever it is, we should probably just agree to it and use it to get ready to attack." Dren said, fully understanding the meaning of a ceasefire.

"Good idea Dren!" Char said. "We'll move the Gaws into position and get ready to strike with everything we have."

"Hey Char," Garma inquired. "Where am I going to go if they shoot back?"

"Okay, our plan is to 'crash land' the transport plane and make the Zeons think we've abandoned it." Bright said to his assembled crew. "Then we're going to deploy Gundam from the transport plane and destroy the enemy from behind their own lines."

Amuro raised his hand. "Won't we have to inflict some fake damage on the transport plane to convince the Zeon that it's really damaged?"

Bright smiled. "I'm glad you asked about that Amuro. I've already got someone working on it."

"Why do I have to be the one to blow a hole in the side of this thing?" Kai complained down in the hangar bay, as he attached a bomb to the side of the transport craft. "Bright is just going to bill me for the damage anyway."

The three kids walked over to Kai just as he discovered that the blasting cord was not long enough for him to get out of the blast radius. "Typical Bright." He muttered. "He probably thinks I'm too stupid to notice and will get myself killed doing this."

"Why are you breaking the plane, Mister?" Katz asked.

"Yeah isn't it kind of a waste?" Letz asked, echoing Katz's statement.

"Lalolalolalolalolaaa!" Kikka wailed, waving her arms up and down like a bird's wings. We didn't even make that up; she does that in the episode.

"Hmm, if the blast kills both me and these annoying kids, maybe Bright will come to my funeral." Kai thought out loud. "He might even deliver my eulogy, talking about how I died to save his sanity." Kai pushed the button, only to discover that it wasn't a really big bomb, and he had never been in any real danger.

Kai sighed, knowing that he had just lost his only chance to get Bright to like him, even though it would have occurred posthumously.

Meanwhile, Char and Garma were using the ceasefire to get the Magella tanks and the Gaws carrying both the Dopps, them, and their death ray into position.

"Captain Garma, Commander Char, the Trojan Horse has stopped moving!" One of the _Hindenburg's_ pilots said.

"Excellent." Char said. "Continue to move the troops into position. Begin to get ready to prepare to fire the death ray."

"Beginning to get ready to prepare to fire the death ray, sir." One of the _Hindenburg_ crew said in response.

The transport plane took off from the White Base, heading up over the edge of the canyon and towards the lake beyond it. A Zeon radar plane flew up alongside it, checking out the plane's exterior.

"This is Big John here." Said Big, one of the two people inside the cockpit. Guess; just try to guess what the other person's name is. We dare you.

"We're confirming that the transport has left the Trojan Horse." Big continued.

"Do you see anything unusual?" Garma asked, on the comm. line from the _Hindenburg_.

"Nothing really, although the side of the craft appears to have been hit by a shell." Big reported.

"How in the Earth Sphere did a shell hit them?" Garma asked. "They haven't been anywhere near the ocean!"

"It's a term." Big tried to explain. "'Shell' is a military term for a… never mind. We damaged it during one of our attacks."

"Huh, I guess that Zeon plane must be our escorts." Frau reasoned. "Hi!" She said, waving to them.

"Hey cut it out." Amuro said. "Make sure they don't count how many of us there are."

"Why?" Frau asked, beaming. "Are you jealous?"

"No way!" Amuro insisted. "I'm just concerned about the plan." Amuro lowered his voice, so even Frau couldn't hear him. "We've got to do this stuff right or… or that giraffe will cancel our contracts and kill us all with blueberry muffins."

Frau giggled in response, then pointed down towards the next window where the child with the mother was waving out the window. Then she looked even further down and the smile turned to a frown.

"Hey look," John said in the Zeon plane. "There's a child in that plane." Big and John both waved, not seeing the imminent danger they were in.

"Mr. Bright, put down that rocket launcher." Frau said, wearing a disappointed look on her face.

"No chance." Bright said. "A man has a right to protect his property, and if that guy comes any closer, I'm taking him out, plan or no plan."

"I don't really understand why you need to be here Mr. Bright; we've got things under control." Amuro said.

"Alright, since you're never going to get thing on your own, I'll give you a hint." Bright said. "The Gundam is not the heaviest thing on this plane."

"What do you think that means?" Frau asked, puzzled.

"He's probably got a stash of gold bars on this thing." Amuro guessed.

"Alright, we've found a good spot." Ryu said from the cockpit. "Initiate The Plan!"

"Dammit Ryu, that was not the code phrase!" Bright yelled from the back of the plane, still holding the rocket launcher.

"Yes it was!" Amuro, Kai, and Frau went to the hole in the plane, ignoring Bright's contentions.

"No it wasn't!"

"Well if not, what was the code phrase? And why did we need to use a code phrase anyway, they can't hear us!"

"The code phrase was 'Kill Roger Wilco.'" Bright said. Hearing the correct code phrase, the copilot of the transport plane immediately began angling the plane towards the ground, causing Bright to fall backwards and fire the rocket launcher on impulse. So at the same time the fake smoke was being spread out of the fake hole, real smoke was blowing out of the new real hole in the plane.

"Captain Garma, this is Big John." Said Big from the radar plane. "It appears our attacks have had some effect. The plane from the Trojan Horse is damaged and is preparing for an emergency landing."

However, no one on the _Hindenburg_ was listening to Big, because Char and Garma were busy trying to figure out how to fire their death ray.

"We really should have taken the time to install a targeting system." Garma said, looking over the controls and seeing none.

"You're probably right." Char grimaced. "I wonder whose idea it was to skip that…"

_Several Hours Ago…_

"_Do you think we need a targeting system, or do you think we can just wing it?" Char asked, looking at the death ray, which was almost complete. Char and Garma both looked at each other for a few moments._

"_Nah, we can skip that." The two of them said at the same time._

"Hm, I don't remember either Char." Garma said back _in the now_. "Whoever it was, remind me to cancel their chocolate rations for the month.

"Yes, of course." Char said. "But I think I've fixed our targeting problem. All we need to do it point the _Hindenburg_ right at the Trojan Horse. Then we'll be as good as locked on!"

At Char's remark, Garma's face turned from enthusiastic to worry. "How will we point the _Hindenburg_ at the Trojan Horse, if we're on the ground and they're up in the air?"

Char slapped himself in the face, realizing what he had just done. "Dammit, and this was going so well too." He muttered.

"Unless… We're not on the ground." Garma continued to reason. Char solemnly took off his helmet, consigned to what he would have to do.

"But that would mean that we're…" Before Garma could finish his reasoning and have an onslaught of panic attacks, Char knocked his friend out by hitting him over the head with his helmet.

"Good call." Dren said as Char put his helmet back on, then took a look at the navigation controls of the _Hindenburg_. "Commander, we are on target and aligned with the Trojan Horse!"

"Good. Prepare to attack. Charge the weapon. Begin converting the habaneros into 'death.'" Char said, supplying the air quotes around 'death' himself.

"Well, regardless of whether or not this works, it will be an interesting and scary story nonetheless." Dren said to himself. "I doubt any of the other Zeon Commanders ever built a weapon powered by spicy peppers."

"Well no Dren, nobody's done exactly this before." Char said, somehow overhearing Dren. "But this is certainly not the silliest idea anyone's ever had." He chuckled. "You should have seen Commander Cima's Acid Soup Blaster."

"Did it…" Dren began, but Char answered for him.

"Yep. Melted right through the hull of her own ship."

Meanwhile, the transport plane 'crash landed' near a lake and the civilians got out.

"Alright, time for you guys to get out of here." Ryu said, motioning for Frau, Kai, and Bright to leave.

"No, I think I'll stay here for now." Bright said. "I need to watch over all of my… assets. This place isn't exactly a safety deposit box, if you know what I'm saying. Not that I trust those either."

"Alright, suit yourself." Ryu said. "You are the Captain." Frau, Kai, and Copilot (that's his name now by the way) left the transport with jetpacks.

"And it's not that I don't trust you guys, although I actually do not trust you at all, it's just that I would never trust anyone to guard my things." Bright said.

"Captain Garma, the crew have exited the transport plane and are heading back to the Trojan Horse." Big said from the radar plane. He didn't get a response, because Char was concentrated on firing the death ray.

"Alright, I guess we'll just follow them." John said, shrugging along with Big. Depending on which side you're on, the White Base/Trojan Horse crew made it back to the ship, unaware of Char's impending 'attack.'

"Alright, everything looks fine here." Big said. "Now let's double back and check on Commander Char and Captain Garma."

"Why?" John asked. "Won't we get in trouble?"

"They haven't been responding to communications, and I'm worried about them." Big said. "Remember what we heard in the report, about what happened to Conscon on his last mission?"

"Yeah that was… bad." John said. "Let's go."

"So did it work?" Reed questioned the half of the team from the transport plane that was back on the ship. "And where is Bright?"

"He stayed behind to watch over the transport plane." Frau said. "Apparently he's got something important on it."

"Fire." Char said on the _Hindenburg_. Down in the cargo bay, several crewmen pushed the giant button on the side on the cannon that said 'Fire.' Nothing appeared to happen.

"So Commander Char, I've got a question for you." Dren said, swiveling around in his chair to face Char. "How will we know whether or not it worked.

Char frowned, clearly unhappy. "Well, I assumed something significant would happen. Either the Trojan Horse would melt, or the cannon would explode. Contact the other Gaws, maybe they saw something."

On the White base, everyone was feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Ahh, my tongue feels like it's burning up." Reed complained.

"Ooh, my tummy doesn't feel so good." Sayla said, feeling sickly all of a sudden.

"And I have this sudden urge to start speaking in Spanish." Mirai reported.

"Regardless, we need to mobilize the Guntank and Guncannon." Reed said, although his discomfort was increasing.

"This is the _Choco Taco_." The crew from the third, as of yet unnamed until now Gaw said. "We don't see any evidence that the weapon worked."

"Neither do we. The weapon does not appear to have fired." Said the crew of the _Cuppa Joe's Mojo_, the Gaw from the last episode.

"Damn." Char said, banging on the console with a gloved fist. "I really thought that was going to work.

"Alright." Dren clapped his hands together, getting everyone's attention except the disappointed Char and the unconscious Garma. "Now that we're done with that, let's get on to the battle plan. We need to position the _Cuppa Joe's_ _Mojo_ and _Choco Taco_ on the Trojan Horse's flanks. We'll use the Magella tanks and the _Habanero_ _Hindenburg_ to form the front line, while the other two Gaws launch Dopps to distract the enemy."

"You're not counting on the Dopps to do any damage, are you?" One of the _Hindenburg_ crew asked. "Because that's a bad idea."

Dren smiled. "No, of course not. We'll attack with the Dopps first, and while the Trojan Horse is busy shooting them down with their mobile suit, we'll advance with the Gaws and Magellas. Once we've boxed them in, they'll have no place to escape to, and they'll be finished!" Dren punched his right hand into his left open palm for emphasis.

"Any questions?" Dren asked. A hand did go up.

"Why weren't you in charge of this battle plan in the first place?"

"Because, you never know when…" Dren was cut off by Char, who had not been paying attention the whole time.

"That's odd." Was all he said, staring at one of the screens of the Gaw's cockpit.

"Commander Char?" Dren asked, prompting the helmeted man for an answer.

"When we fired the death ray, it was only at 17% power." Char said, pointing to the display. "We should try it at a higher setting."

Everybody on the _Hindenburg_ bridge sighed, but Dren held up his hand to silence them. "Why don't we try it at 40%, then see if we get better results." Dren offered.

"No," Char said, narrowing his eyes. "We're going to fire at 100% power. It's go big or go home in this sphere Dren. And we're certainly not going home."

This time Dren sighed. "Alright, let's get the cannon ready to fire."

"Why haven't the Guntank and the Guncannon launched yet?" Reed asked. "We need them to protect us from the Dopp attacks!"

"Hayato had to go to the bathroom." Kai reported. "And we can't finish drawing straws to see who flies the Guncannon until he gets back."

"He went to the bathroom!" Reed repeated, his voice thundering with anger.

"It was bad." Kai said. "Really bad. The bathroom is half a football field away, and I can smell it from here."

"Dammit!" Reed cursed, cutting the communication. "Beef up the anti-air defenses, we need to stall until the Guntank and Guncannon can launch!"

"The weapon is charged, we're ready to fire." Dren said, watching the energy levels closely on the _Hindenburg_.

"Excellent." Char said, grinning. "Are we on target?"

"On target, yes sir!" A crewman said. "The Trojan Horse is in our sights."

"Fire." Char said. Again, the crewmen in the cargo hold pushed the large red button that would activate the weapon. And again nothing happened, not immediately at least. After a few seconds the silence was broken by a low humming noise, and the end of the cannon began to light up red with heat.

"I think it's… actually working." A crewman reported. "Well it's at least doing something."

"And we haven't blown up." Dren said, genuinely surprised.

"Good, continue the habenero bombardment." Char said, pumping his fist in victory.

"Yet." Dren muttered under his breath, not noticing the rapidly rising energy output on the display behind him.

"Anyone think this air is getting thicker?" Reed asked, coughing.

A few moments later, Ryu, Bright, and Amuro were just about ready to begin the final stage of their plan, the surprise assault on the Zeon rear line with the Gundam.

"Why haven't the Guncannon and Guntank launched yet?" Bright asked, binoculars in hand.

"They haven't launched?" Amuro asked, alarmed at the lack of progress.

"No." Bright continued. "And the anti-air fire has completely stopped; the White Base is totally defenseless."

"Why the heck didn't you lead with that?" Ryu asked, repeating a frequently used Bright line.

"Stop squabbling, we need to get over there and help them!" Amuro shouted, quickly moving over to and getting into the cockpit of the Gundam. He powered it up, stood up, and began running off towards the undefended White Base.

"Hmm, we'd better go too." Bright said, pondering something while still holding the large rocket launcher.

"Why?" Ryu complained, alarmed. "We don't have any weapons!"

"I have this." Bright said, hoisting the rocket launcher up onto his shoulder. "And I just realized that I have more money stuffed in the walls of the White Base than I do on this plane."

"Do we have to go?" Ryu tried, figuring that he might at least attempt to get out of it.

"No." Bright said, pointing the rocket launcher at Ryu for a moment. "Now, are you going to start this plane, or am I going to have to list you as 'MIA?'"

On the _Hindenburg_, Dren finally turned around to notice the spiking energy readout from the cannon's power usage.

"Commander Char, I think we might have a serious problem." Dren said, pointing to the energy readout. Char strode over to where Dren sat and looked at the readout himself.

He turned to Dren. "I don't know what this means Dren, all I see is a big graph."

"I know." Dren said. "That's all I see too, but there was a red line at the top of it, and now the graph has crossed the line."

"And?"

"The graph has crossed the line!" Dren said. "I don't know what that means, but I know it's not supposed to do that! It's in the instruction manual, Rule 56! 'No graph is ever supposed to cross the line at the top!'"

The plane then shook, not from an external hit from the Gundam or the transport plane, but from internal damage.

"Sir, the power core is overheating!" One of the _Hindenburg_ crewmen said.

"Well, I know that's not supposed to happen." Char said.

"Do you think we should evacuate?" Dren asked. "Or at least shut down the weapon?"

"No, I think we'll be fine."

Back with the White Base, the Gundam and transport plane were buzzing around the now stationary ship.

"Amuro, can you see anything going on inside?" Bright asked, aiming his rocket launcher at a Dopp and firing. The rocket missed, but the Dopp took too wide a turn to evade it, crashing into its wing mate and destroying both of them.

"No, there is no activity on the bridge." Said Amuro, seeing no one present on the bridge of the White Base. He spun about and fired with his rifle, destroying a Magella tank.

"What the heck?" Ryu said, looking off in the distance. "One of the Gaw's is on fire!"

"What?" Bright asked, turning around to look at Ryu, to see if he was serious. Unfortunately, his happy trigger finger got the better of him again, and Bright fired the rocket launcher inside the transport plane for a second time. This time, he blasted one of the lift fans apart, causing the plane to rapidly lose stability.

"Ahh, we're going down!" Ryu yelled in distress. "For real this time too!"

"Well fix it goddamn you!" Bright yelled. "I am not going to die in a plane crash!"

Meanwhile, the radar plane with Big and John was approaching the damaged _Hindenburg_.

"Captain Garma, Commander Char, come in please!" Big said into the communication line. "This is Big John; we see a fire in one of your engines. _Hindenburg_, do you copy?"

Just like its namesake, as soon as Big said the name of the ill-fated plane, the _Habanero Hindenburg_ exploded, first in its engines, then the overloaded power core. Finally, the death ray exploded a second after the power core, having overheated from continuous usage. The fiery blast instantly incinerated the Dopps escorting it, and flying pieces of the _Hindenburg_ spread out over a wide area, sometimes falling on and disabling Magella tanks.

Clearly, the battle was lost for the Zeons, which became readily apparent when the Gundam ran up to the battered front line and destroyed the remaining Magella tanks and two Zakus that someone had remembered to launch.

But the greatest loss of the battle, at least to Team Big John inside their radar plane, was that of Char Aznable and Garma Zabi. Without their beloved leaders, the force would never again embark on another mission; their remaining troops and equipment would sit in their bases and rot as all of the soldiers cried for their fallen heroes.

"Hey, we're not ****ing dead!" Dren yelled. "Stop talking like we are! Char and Garma are perfectly fine!" Dren paused, as Team Big John tried to figure out where he was speaking from. "Okay, well maybe they're not fine; both have some pretty serious issues to work out. But they're alive, as in not dead!"

Out of the raging fireball flew the Recon Zaku, loaded onto the Gaw and now piloted by Dren, who had grabbed Char and the still unconscious Garma seconds before the explosion and taken them to the only three-seater vehicle he knew of. Because of its non- combat nature, the Recon Zaku was completely impervious to the violent blast of the _Hindenburg's_ explosion, and had escaped unscathed.

"All forces retreat!" Dren yelled through the communications line. "Disengage the Trojan Horse and get back to the base!"

At Dren's loud yelling, Garma began to wake up. "Oww." He said tentatively. "My head hurts."

"Well, it should Garma; you were hit on the head by a teapot!" Char said, trying to disguise the fact that he had knocked out his friend.

"Was it the same one from my dreams?" Garma asked, still groggy. "The one that chases me around and sounds like Gihren?"

"Yes, it was that same teapot! The one you told me about." Char said reassuringly.

"Damn, I hate teapots." Garma said, then looked around. "Hey, where are we?"

It was Dren's turn to slap himself in the face, as he had forgotten to disable Garma's video screen when he was prepping the Zaku.

"Oh my god, we're in the air! That means we're not on the ground!" Garma panicked instantly, tugging at his seatbelts and trying to claw his way out of his seat. "Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out!"

Char frowned. "Well at least we know he's okay, but don't think I'm going to forget what you did Dren. His wailing and screaming on the way back to base is only the beginning of your punishment."

"Yes, Commander Char."

"What the heck happened here?" Ryu asked, now back on the White Base, which still appeared to be deserted, but was in bad shape.

"My floors!" Bright cried. "And my walls! Ruined, ruined I say!"

"It's everywhere!" Amuro continued, looking up at the ceiling. Noticing they were there, Sayla skipped over to them.

"Oh, you're back!" Sayla said cheerfully. "We were beginning to get worried about you."

"You were getting worried about us?" Bright asked, horrified. "What happened to my ship?"

"Oh, you weren't here." Sayla said, like she just realized that fact. In actuality, she really did just figure that out, but she still sounded like it.

"You're damn right I wasn't here!" Bright yelled. "I step off this ship for an hour or two, and all of a sudden, 'Pigsty' or 'Sewage Plant' isn't even beginning to describe what this looks like!"

"Oh, you're talking about the mess." Sayla said.

"Yes, I'm talking about the mess! What else could I possibly be talking about?" Bright continued. "Wait, don't answer that, and just tell me how the mess got here."

"We figured it out about fourteen minutes ago." Sayla began. "At the beginning of the battle, something saturated the air with a lot of hot chili pepper particles. Hehe, try saying that five times fast!"

"That's not funny Sayla."

"Hot chili pepper particles, hot chili pepper partipceps… Oh, I screwed it up."

"The point, Sayla." Bright asked, his expression no longer possessing emotion. "Now."

"Oh right! Anyway, we breathed in the particles, and it was like we'd eaten a lot of spicy food. It flushed out our digestive system and made us all have to go to the bathroom. It only happened to Hayato the first time, because he's the smallest, but the second time, we all had to go."

"But how did this happen?" Bright asked, surveying more of the damage. "There are bathrooms all over this ship! And why weren't you affected?"

"There are three sets of bathrooms on this ship Mr. Bright." Sayla said plainly. "And there are four women and about a hundred men. What do you _think_ happened?"

Next Time, on the Gundam Universe Project:

Episode 9: In Noah We Trust


	9. Episode 9: In Noah We Trust

We sincerely apologize for the delay in posting this chapter. We could spend time explaining the breakdown in communication that caused it to happen, but the sheer fact remains that we dropped the ball. We only hope that your faith in us has not been shattered, and that you will continue to read our work. We would love to promise that this kind of thing will never happen again, but to be perfectly honest it might. However, we are already reforming how we get these things done and distributed to make the process better, and the prospect of delays smaller. And on a lighter note, somewhere in this chapter contains the Gundam Universe Project's 40,000th word. Horray for Milestones! We'd also like to thank Peloponnese for continuing to review and Char-TheDon for reviewing us. Enjoy!

Episode 9: In Noah We Trust

"So, now that our 'ultimate weapon' has failed, what should we do now?" Dren asked.

"It didn't fail Dren; it just had some… rather unintended side effects." Char responded.

"Like one of our Gaws exploding and the fact that the Trojan Horse was not destroyed." Dren muttered.

"Exactly Dren, we didn't have it on for long enough!" Char said. "Another thirty seconds and the Trojan Horse would have been finished."

"How about we build two death rays, and fire them from two Gaws?" Garma proposed, looking at the remaining giant purple planes on the runway.

"Lemme stop you right there." Dren said, pointing at the duo accusingly. "We're not doing that. But I am open to any other plans you might have."

"How about we build Commander Cima's Acid Soup Blaster?" Garma asked excitedly.

"No." Dren said.

"Why not?" Garma asked, talking like a child.

"We… do not have enough soup." Dren said, eyes shifting nervously.

Garma stared at him for a few seconds. "Okay. How about a regular soup blaster?"

"How about we replace all of the guns on the Gaw with floodlights, and blind them with the power of light!" Char offered, ignoring Garma.

"No!" Dren said, growing impatient. "Delaz did that, and it didn't work either."

"But we'll use better floodlights than he did!"

"NO!" Dren yelled. "Delaz used those environmentally friendly floodlights and even he got sued by the power company! I'm leaving to take inventory of what we have left. If you two manage to think of something useful before then, we'll go with that. But if not, I'm going to bring down the Trojan Horse myself!"

As Dren walked away, Char turned to his friend. "What's wrong with him?"

"I don't know." Garma responded, then his eyes lit up with excitement. "Ooh, brainwave!"

"What is it?" Char asked, now equally as excited.

"What if we use the Zakus?" Garma asked, pointing to the thirty or so Zakus lined up on the side of the runway.

"What _if_ we use the Zakus?" Char asked thoughtfully, scratching his chin.

Meanwhile, the White Base was flying over a trashed city.

"Scrub it again!" Bright yelled from the bridge. "I can still smell it!"

"Mr. Bright, we've already scrubbed the floors, walls, ceiling, and the outside of the ship nineteen times in the last four days." Hayato complained. "If we didn't get it already, we're not going to get it now."

"No you didn't get it all." Bright said. "I can see it, I can smell it, and I can _feel_ it. Scrub it again!"

"Mr. Bright, you're really not being fair." Reed said. "They really did get all of it."

"You wanna go, cripple?" Bright turned on Reed, whose arm was still broken. "Because I can make you scrub the floors too!"

"Mr. Bright, stop it!" Mirai said, trying to sound commanding. "We've already cleaned up the mess from last episode three times over, and you're overreacting."

Bright lowered himself down to the floor, smelling it when he got within range. "It's still there! Ooh it's still there! And the resale value of this ship… is never going to be the same! Now scrub!"

"Mr. Bright." Mirai began, lowering herself to smell the floor as well. "You're being paranoi… Oh, you're right. The smell still is there."

"See what I mean? Now scrub the floors!" Bright yelled, tossing a brush at Mirai.

"But… I'm driving the ship." Mirai said timidly.

"I'll drive the damn ship!" Bright continued. "Now scrub the floors!"

At the Zeon base, Dren returned after a half an hour of real work to where he had left Char and Garma to find them standing in the exact same positions he had left them in. Next to them was a chalkboard with a few words written on it. As Dren got closer to the two, he saw that each word on the chalkboard read 'Zakus,' and then had been progressively crossed out before being written again.

"What if we use the Zakus?" Char said this time.

"What _if_ we use the Zakus?" Garma continued, then went over and wrote 'Zakus' on the chalkboard again.

"No, that will never work." Char reconsidered.

"You're right Char; I guess we'll have to think of something else." Garma then crossed out the newest word on the chalkboard before returning to Char's side, thinking again.

They stood there for several minutes as Dren looked on in horror, unable to pull himself away from the scene.

"What if we use the Zakus?" Garma began this time.

"What _if_ we use the Zakus?" Char continued, then went over and wrote 'Zakus' on the chalkboard again.

"No, that will never work." Garma reconsidered, following the pattern.

"You're right Garma; I guess we'll have to think of something else." Char then crossed out the newest word on the chalkboard before returning to Garma's side, thinking again.

Before enough time passed to allow Char and Garma to continue to loop, Dren had an idea.

"What if we use the Zakus?" Dren asked.

"What _if_ we use the Zakus?" Garma continued.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Char asked. "Let's go get them Garma!" The two looked at each other then ran off to where the Zakus were.

Dren started to look on in confusion, as he had not expected his idea to work, but then figured his time would be better spend doing something useful. "Are the preparations complete?" He asked one of the soldiers around him.

"Yes sir, the two remaining Gaws are gassed up, loaded with Zakus and Dopps, and are ready to sortie upon someone's command."

"Good, get ready to launch them." Dren said.

"Yes sir. Are we going to wait for Captain Garma and Commander Char?"

Dren stared at him blankly for a few seconds.

"I'll take that as a no."

On the White Base, Frau ducked into Amuro's room to avoid having Bright make her scrub the floors again. Her mentality was that if Bright couldn't see her, she couldn't annoy him and therefore he would not order her to help clean the ship. However, instead of finding an empty room, Frau found Amuro sulking on his bed instead of cleaning.

"Amuro!" She called out in that… voice that she does. "Why aren't you out helping the others clean the ship? It's a team effort you know, everybody's got to do it."

"Then why isn't Bright cleaning the ship?" Amuro spat out. "Unless he starts cleaning, I'm not doing anything for him."

Frau thought for a moment. "Well, to quote him exactly, 'someone has to pay the bills around here, and you're all broke as hell.'"

Amuro was about to come up with a response, but before he could, the Haro rolled into the room with them. Amuro immediately acted as if he was allergic to the thing. "Get that green monster the hell out of my room!" He yelled, backing up against the wall and grasping desperately for something to use as a weapon.

"Amuro, its Haro." Frau said disbelievingly. "You built it."

"No I didn't!" Amuro insisted, now having found a baseball bat and brandishing it like a sword. "It's an agent of the devil!"

"Dammit, why do the male protagonists always go to pieces in these animes?" Frau muttered under her breath, then kicked the Haro out of the way with a shrug.

"Is it gone?" Amuro asked, hiding his face behind a pillow.

"Yes, it's gone Amuro. Now will you please tell me what's wrong with you?"

"They're everywhere." Amuro said shakily. "We can't escape them. The only thing we can do is… is… is to play out our lives exactly as The Book tells us to. Maybe then, just maybe, they won't kill us."

Frau grunted in disapproval. "Wow, it really is a fast slope of degradation with you. Usually, the meltdown takes at least a few episodes."

"I'm not crazy!" Amuro leapt forward, grabbing Frau by the shoulders. "I've seen him! The silent overlord who passes judgment on us all! Who decides if we live or die, if we get more episodes or if we get cancelled! I have seen true evil Frau, and his name is Bandai!"

"O-kay then." Frau said, delicately peeling Amuro's hands off her shoulders. "I'm just gonna go get your food prepared, and then I'm gonna have Kai give it to you. And you make sure to tell him everything you told me, because… well I've got fifty bucks against Bright that I can make him wet himself before he can, and I need a new pair of shoes."

"So, which one is mine, and which one is yours?" Char asked, looking at the Zakus now that he and Garma had reached the hangar. Somehow they did not notice the Gaws taking off for Dren's mission, but that can be attributed to the ice cream run they partook in before going to the hangar.

"I don't know, they're both red." Garma responded. As they pondered over a difficult decision once again, a man in a suit with a badge sporting a large letter 'B' walked over to them.

"Uhm, excuse me?" The man said, trying to get their attention. "Which one of you is Garma Zabi and which one of you is Char Aznable?"

"Who is Char?" Char asked. "I've never hear of that guy. My name is Casva… I mean, Char. Yes, I am Char."

"And I'm Char Aznabl…. I mean Garma." Garma responded.

"Okay, well I'm here to repossess Mr. Garma Zabi's custom Zaku."

"Huh?" Garma asked. "On whose authority?"

"A Mr. Bandai." The suited man said. "He says that you can't have your Zaku. He needs it so he can release it as an 'exclusive' plastic model kit sometime in the future."

"Why?" Char asked. "And how?"

"Well, it says that Bandai can repossess anything at any time, for absolutely no reason."

"Where?" Garma asked.

"In your contract."

"We got contracts?"

"Yes you did."

"Well where are they?"

"You're supposed to hold on to them."

"Do you see any pockets in this uniform?"

"Yes."

"Then how were we supposed to hold on to them?" Char pointed out.

"I'm gonna let you figure that one out."

"So, why is this 'Mr. Bandai' taking my Zaku?" Garma asked.

"So that he can, in his exact words, 'make the mad cash.'"

Char and Garma looked at each other for a few seconds, then back at the suited man. Seriously, look it up sometime. It may have never been animated, but Bandai made a plastic model kit for Garma Zabi's Custom Zaku II, which is red like Char's is. They continued to watch as the man directed a large crane to haul off Garma's never again seen Zaku.

Absolutely powerless to stop him, Garma raised his fists to the air, shaking them angrily. "Damn you Bandai!" He yelled at the sky.

"So, what do we do now?" Char asked.

Garma set his hands back at his side and thought for a moment.

A long moment.

"How about we use the Zakus?" Garma asked.

"What _if_ we… who's up for tacos?" Char asked.

Back on the White Base, Frau found Kai in the 'sarcastic jackass' mode of his personality, harassing the cook.

"All I'm saying is that you're looking extremely well-fed, Chef Man." Kai said. "Are you eating more than your fill?" Kai suddenly shifted into his 'frightened' mode. "Because Mr. Bright cut off my food supply and I'm starving here!"

"Hey, stop arguing with the cook, Kai." Frau demanded, wearing a smirk on her face. "If you've got a problem with food allotment, why don't you take it up with Mr. Bright?"

"Bright?" Kai said with alarm. "Is he here? Can he see me? Better start cleaning again!" Kai immediately leapt on the floor and started scrubbing it with his uniform jacket. Behind him, the three annoying kids snuck into the pantry to steal some food.

"Kai, he's not here." Frau said, crossing her arms. Then she noticed the kids sneaking back out of the pantry. "Hey, put that back! You know what will happen if Mr. Bright sees, hears, or feels you stealing food!" Frau pointed to a sign near the pantry depicting Bright standing next to a casserole dish that had a person's head in it. It happened to be Kai's head.

As if he could actually feel one of his rules being spoken about, Bright ran down to the cafeteria in a fraction of a fraction of a half a second. His sudden appearance sent everyone bolting for the door in terror, those who could not instead hid under the tables.

"Who is stealing food?" Bright asked, pointing at Frau. Frau, Chef Man, and the children all shrugged and pointed at Kai, who was still busying himself with cleaning and hadn't even noticed Bright's entrance.

"Kai!" Bright yelled at the top of his lungs, causing glass to shatter, shoes to melt, and Chef Man to lose ten pounds. Kai looked up from the floor, pleading to higher powers to save him.

"Brightslap One!" Bright said, administering the punishment. "For stealing food."

"Brightslap Two!" He continued. "For not cleaning the floors."

"And Brightslap Three!" He finished, sending Kai through the wall of the cafeteria. "For getting your uniform dirty. Now clean it all again, and replace the food you stole!" Now he turned back to Frau, who had gotten used to Bright's excessive violence and was no longer bothered by it. "Was there anything else?"

"Amuro's having a nervous breakdown." Frau said simply, jerking her thumb towards Amuro's room door.

"That inconsiderate jerk!" Bright said, completely unaware of the irony. "If he's having a nervous breakdown, I might have to give him…" Bright's voice lowered, and for a moment, it seemed as if he might be frightened of something. "Disability pay." Bright said, making it sound as if it were the apocalypse.

"Hmm, this is so weird." Char said, driving around with Garma. "All of the taco places around here are closed."

"Char, we're up too high!" Garma panicked, his eyes firmly set on the small distance between the floor of the car and the road. "Get us closer to the ground."

"Garma, if we get any closer to the ground, we won't be moving." Char said, looking at his friend, who appeared to be about to puke. "The room you stay in at the base is up higher than this…" Char slapped his own forehead, but was too late to stop himself.

"What?" Garma asked, letting Char's words sink in. And then the screaming started.

"So, why are we out on patrol again?" Hayato asked, flying around in a Core Fighter with Ryu. Not in the same Core Fighter though, that would be… cramped.

"Because, Mr. Bright has to pay us for every sortie we go on." Ryu said. "And I need food money, not to mention bigger clothes. And my extra large bed isn't going to pay for itself!"

"Oh no." Hayato said, his face showing a horrific realization. "We're becoming like him!"

"You're right." Ryu said. "Soon we will worship his evil money god too!"

"Crash into that purple mountain, it's the only way to save ourselves!" Hayato called, angling his plane towards the 'mountain.' Ryu got a better look at it, because he was taller.

"Hey wait a minute, that's not a mountain, it's a Gaw!" Ryu said, pulling up to avoid the massive plane.

"So we can't crash into it?" Hayato moaned.

"No, we have to report back to the White Base."

"Good, they found us." Dren said on the bridge of the _Choco Taco_. He smirked. "Well, they found one of us."

"Your plan was to get discovered sir?" One of the pilots asked him.

"No, my plan was for one of our Gaws to get discovered." Dren explained. "It's impossible to sneak around in these things because some idiot painted them purple, so why try to? Now that they've seen one of them, the other can move unnoticed."

"Oh." The officer said. "That's a really good plan. But what if they have radar?"

"That's why we brought the fog machine." Dren said. "Now, get the other Gaw into position and launch the remote controlled Dopps!"

"Brightslap Thirty-Three!" Bright yelled as he did just that to Amuro. "Brightslap Thirty-Four!" When Bright administered "Brightslap Thirty-Five," he smacked Amuro so hard he blew right through the alternate reality of the commercial break.

"You! (Brightslap Thirty-Six) Do Not! (Brightslap Thirty-Seven) Cause Me! (Brightslap Thirty-Eight) To Pay! (Brightslap Thirty-Nine) You Extra! (Brightslap Forty)"

"Well, you don't have to pay me at all!" Amuro shot back. "I'm not piloting Gundam; I won't play the demon's game!"

"The 'demon's game?'" Bright asked, pausing in his pummeling of Amuro. "What's he talking about?"

"I don't know." Frau said honestly. "He thinks that we're in some kind of false reality, which is being controlled by some evil figure trying to make obscene amounts of money from us."

"What?" Bright twirled around to refocus his death glare. "Nobody makes money off of Me!"

"That's what I said, but he seems pretty convinced that there's something called 'Bandai' out there, and that it's greedy and evil."

"Bandai? Never heard of it. Oh well, he's just crazy then." Bright said, heading for the door.

"Bright." Frau called after him. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Frau asked, her arms crossed again.

Bright glared at her. "Fine." He said, taking out the fifty dollars and placing it in Frau's hand. Then they left, closing the door, leaving Amuro in the room.

But he wasn't the only one there.

"You've been a bad, bad boy, Amuro Ray." Said Haro, as it transformed into the shape of a giraffe.

"No, not you! Not again!" Amuro wailed, but nobody heard him, as Mr. Bandai continued to transform into the shape of Commandant Joachim, complete with his megaphone.

"Now, prepare to have your memory erased!" Haro/Mr. Bandai/Commandant Joachim said.

"Launch the Dopps, on the count of ten." Dren said. "Where is the _Cuppa Joe's Mojo_?"

"It's in position sir. Ready to fire on your orders."

"Ten." Dren began.

"How are you feeling Garma?" Char asked his friend, finally having gotten them to a restaurant.

"A little better Char, thanks." Garma said, continuing to brush dirt and grass off his uniform. "I'm sorry for what I did back there; I don't know what came over me."

"Neither do I." Char said. "It was three inches, four at the most! There was no reason to jump out of a speeding car to try to get closer to the ground."

"It was worth it." Garma mumbled, then resumed looking at the menu for the restaurant. Char's eyes instead wandered to a nearby television screen.

"Hey, it looks like a battle is starting up." Char said excitedly, watching at the White Base and one of Dren's Gaws closed in on each other. "You wanna watch?"

"Do I ever!" Garma said, and the duo abandoned their lunch plans to join a small crowd about to watch the battle.

Which was about to begin as Dren continued counting down.

"Seven." He said.

"Yes, I'd like to place a collect call to my bookie." Bright said from the cockpit of the Gundam, using the never before seen voice dialing feature. "What's the spread?"

"Six." Dren counted.

"Okay, so the Zeons win the spread as long as they don't lose any Gaws?" Bright confirmed. "Yeah, put forty thousand on the Zeons."

"Five." Dren continued.

"He said fire!" The Dopp commander said.

"No, he said five!" Another pilot said.

"Five?" The Dopp commander tried to confirm. But just like he had a second before, all of the Dopp pilots mistook 'Five' for 'Fire,' and started doing just that while still in the hangar bay of the _Choco Taco_.

Having placed his bet, Bright launched in the Gundam as the _Choco Taco_ was being rocked by internal explosions.

"What the hell is that?" Dren demanded grabbing on to something for support. "What's hitting us?"

"Our own Dopps, sir." A pilot responded. "They got confused and started firing their missiles in the hangar bay."

"How much damage did we sustain?" Dren asked. "Can we still fight?"

"No damage sir. As has been stated and proven multiple times over the last few weeks, the Dopps are completely useless."

"Right, then continue with the plan. Have the Dopps and the _Choco Taco_ distract the enemy while the _Cuppa Joe's Mojo_ sneaks up on them from behind. Tell them to destroy the Trojan Horse's engines as soon as it gets into range!"

"Neeeeeowwwwwnn!" the Dopp operators sounded out as they flew their remote controlled planes.

"Brakka Brakka Brakka Brakka Brakka!" Another said as their plane strafed the White Base. His would-be celebration was short-lived, because a gust of wind destroyed his Dopp before he could let out a single victory noise.

"Haha, this is easy!" Bright said, aiming at and destroying another Dopp with his beam rifle. "I don't know why Amuro said this was so hard; it's just 'point and click.' The Gundam's computer does half the work for you!" Underneath the seat, unseen by Bright, the Haro was manipulating the Gundam's systems, creating the ease with which Bright could use the large robot.

"It's strange sir." One of the pilots said to Dren. "The Dopps are doing a lot better than they normally do. Look at all of the hits they're scoring on the Trojan Horse! Last time, they didn't even get halfway there. Do you think your remote control idea is really making that much of a difference?"

"Absolutely not." Dren said. "Dopp pilots are Dopp pilots; they and their retarded planes are always going to suck. But with remote control technology, we don't have to re-train new pilots every time we go out on a mission. And it doesn't exactly hurt that the Trojan Horse isn't firing at the Dopps. Why is that anyway?"

"We're under attack!" Frau yelled, having reached the bridge of the White Base. She found all of the crew still trying to scrub the floors, as Bright had launched in the Gundam without giving them orders to defend the ship. "Get to the guns, we need to defend ourselves!"

"No, must clean!" Kai said, trying to remove now-imaginary dirt from Bright's chair. The White Base shook violently as it was hit from behind by the _Cuppa Joe's Mojo_.

"Fine, I'll just do it myself!" Frau ran down to the mega particle cannon controls. "I'm not dying in this anime, not until I get to the mall on the moon!"

"Fire, keep firing!" Dren yelled as the _Choco Taco_ began firing its own mega cannons, damaging the White Base's front section.

"Ze-on! Ze-on! Ze-on! Ze-on!" Bright chanted from within the Gundam's cockpit. "Go on boys, make me rich!"

"So, I thought I was going to go with the pink for today's uniform, but I decided to just stick with the red." Sayla said to Mirai, oblivious to everything happening around her. "But then I realized that my two uniforms have exactly the same coloration, the difference was all in my head!"

"Ze-on! Ze-on! Ze-on! Ze-on!" Char and Garma chanted at the sports bar. "Yeah, take down that Trojan Horse! Show 'em how real Zeons do it!"

"Suck on this, spacemen!" Frau yelled, firing the White Base's beam cannons. The pink beams belched forth from the White Base's never before used beam cannons closing the distance between the two opposing ships and striking the _Choco Taco_ in its left wing.

"Shit!" Dren yelled as the _Choco Taco_ rocked from the hits. "Use the Dopps, crash them into the Trojan Horse's beam cannons!" Dren stood up, then examined a piece of the plane that had been dislodged by the White Base's attack.

"Why the hell is this plane made out of balsa wood?" Dren bellowed.

"Yeah, take another one!" Frau fired again, striking the Gaw in the same place.

"No stop!" Bright said over the comm. line to the White Base. "Don't destroy it; I've got money riding on this fight!"

"Banzai!" Yelled out one of the Dopp operators as he crashed his Dopp into one of the White Base's beam cannons, disabling it.

"I don't even care about the balsa part of it, why is the plane made out of wood?" Dren continued. "This is the future dammit! This thing is supposed to be made out of Space Metal!" Dren's angry tirade was cut off by a loud cracking sound, as the _Choco Taco's_ left wing snapped off.

"Oh no! Come on Zeons, you can do it!" Char cheered on from the sports bar.

"Don't blow up." Bright cried. "Please, don't blow up."

"Quickly!" Dren commanded. "Get out some butter knives and cut the other wing off! It's the only way to save us!" They did, and with the loss of the dead weight of the other wing the _Choco Taco_ balanced out.

"Phew, that was close!" Bright said, wiping the sweat off his brow, then he noticed a new message on his phone. "Hey, who is 'Lieutenant Matilda,' and why is she coming to rescue us?"

"Mister Dren, there's another plane incoming!" One of the Gaw officers said. "It appears to be a Federation transport."

"No matter." Dren said. "We're still in control of this battle. Prepare to destroy the Trojan Horse!"

"Oh, this is such a great battle!" Garma said. "It has everything!"

"Yeah, I just wish Dren could be here to see this." Char said. "He could pick up some pointers from this fight."

"Well, why don't we call him?" Garma suggested, pulling out his phone.

"Great idea!" Char said. "Ooh, and get him to pick us up some guacamole while he's on the way."

"Fir…" Dren was about to give the order as his phone rang. The Caller Identification read 'G. Arma.' Dren put the phone to his ear.

"I told you guys this morning, we're doing just fine!" Bright said, now talking to Lt. Matilda."

"Yes," Dren sighed. "Yes, I'll be right there. And yes, I'll get your take-out." Dren put the phone away. "Time to retreat!" Dren ordered.

"What about destroying the Trojan Horse?"

"Even though his orders are stupid, I can't actually disobey them." Dren said. "This was only going to work as long as they were distracted, but we tried as best as we could. Deploy the Inflatable Wings!"

Just like the 'Stealth Mode' button on the Musai, the Gaw crew found to their surprise that there was indeed a button labeled 'Inflatable Wings.'

"See, we're doing just fine!" Bright said, giving Lt. Matilda a tour of the ship. "Look at how clean everything is, we don't need any help! Although, some more supplies would be nice."

"We're not here to help you at all. Headquarters is promoting Lieutenant Reed to a three star General, and we need to get him off to the ceremony." Matilda said.

Bright's face fell. "He's getting promoted?"

"Yes, apparently he was recommended by a 'Mr. Bandai.' Do you know him?"

"How did you know we had inflatable wings?" A Gaw crewman asked.

"I didn't." Dren said plainly. "I figured there was going to be a lot of dumb things stuffed into the plane, so I got lucky. My next guess was going to be 'Gerbil-Powered Flapping Wings.'

"Mister Dren, I hate to tell you this but…"

"I know. We have those too."

As Char and Garma waited for Dren to pick them up, the duo began to look confused.

"You're feeling it too?" Garma asked.

"Yeah." Char said. "I just can't shake the odd feeling that we've somehow forgotten something important."

Next Time, on the Gundam Universe Project!

Episode 10: Best Friends Forever

Well, we hope this episode was worth the wait. Again, we're sorry for the delay, and hope it never happens again.


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